December 30, 2005
HO HO HORRIBLE holiday stuff.

Hey, everyone — hope your first set o’ winter holidays went well and that you’re gearing up for a fantastic New Year’s Eve. In the event that, like me, you’ll be sitting alone at your computer (or, like me, happen to be doing so at this very moment), here are three new Scary-Crayon articles to entertain you as 2005 comes to a close. Joy!

First, however, allow me to hop up on my soapbox. I’ll admit that I’m hardly a big Christmas geek, but one of the things that I do enjoy about the holiday season is the television specials. Granted, I haven’t watched much TV this season (or this year, really), but even flipping through the channels and hearing characters say the words “Christmas” and “holiday” and “cheer” and “presents” is kinda neat. I mean, it’s almost like the characters are real and live in the same world I do, and I’m one step closer to existing within TVLand where everything is generally more interesting than whatever the hell is going on in my life at the moment, because when I’m watching TV the only thing happening with me involves my sitting in a chair and watching TV. Yep.

But one of the reasons I don’t watch TV all that much is because most of the time it pisses me the fuck off. In addition to shit like “Oprah” and “Tyra”, you’ve got asinine UPN sitcoms and people speaking gibberish on BET (yoyoyblingblingknowhaddamsayin), and at almost all times, unless I manage to assume control of the remote and switch over to Cartoon Network or SciFi, one of those things is playing in my residence. It’s fucking irritating. Anyway, one day I happened to be in the kitchen while the “All of Us” Christmas episode was playing on UPN. Now, I wasn’t familiar with the show, but I do hate UPN shows. Every “positive” episode or plot thread that I’ve seen in a UPN show manages to take a significant turn for the worse — most notably an episode about the significance of Martin Luther King Jr.’s contribution to society that inexplicably ended with a chick pulling a pistol out of her sock and drawing a chalk outline on the floor to make it look like someone had gotten killed in her residence in order to prevent the sale of her house from going through. What? But given that it was a Christmas episode, I figured it couldn’t be all that bad. Right? WRONG.

'All of Us' is fucking terrible.

So from what I discerned from the episode and a little Internet research, I guess “All of Us” is about a divorced couple with a son who either still live together or still hang out an awful lot — and in this holiday special, the family invited the ex-wife’s ex-convict brother to stay with them for Christmas. Sounds sweet, right, not making assumptions and giving people a chance and all that jazz? Yeah, until he fucking steals all of the Christmas gifts. See, apparently the reason he went to jail was for robbing some other family around the holidays — and in order to make amends, he robbed his own sister, broke into that other family’s home, and left the gifts intended for his sister and her “family” underneath their tree. So the ex-wife and ex-husband track down the ex-con outside these other people’s home and get angry, but when they see the other family’s faces they’re not even mad and everyone is all happy and shit. WHAT?

Okay, first of all, this dude wasn’t retarded, nor was he four years old. He should’ve known the difference between right and wrong, especially after having gone to fucking jail for committing a similar crime. Secondly, WHAT THE FUCK? WHO WROTE THIS SHIT TO BEGIN WITH?!? “Hey, it’s a black show, so I guess we have to find a way to work criminal activity into even the Christmas episode — because you know how those people are! But we have to have a happy ending, so let’s not even have anyone get angry because those people are animals and stealing comes naturally to them. Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!” UPN fucking sucks.

Anyway, on to the articles. Foremost, we’ve got another exclusive SC expose regarding Papa Christmas, entitled Santa Claus is HO HO HORRIBLE. Like, even worse than that “All of Us” episode described above. This article’s even got some intellectual merit (like, even more so than other Scary-Crayon articles), with a summary of the philosophical problem of evil and links to pages with lots of equations and stuff. Goody!

Second, it’s Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #69! I still haven’t seen Peter Jackson’s King Kong remake, but I did come across a gorilla I bought at the dollar store a while back and a bootleg Godzilla that I got in a lot of toys from eBay and figured I might as well do something with them. Simba happened to be nearby, too — and who can tell lions apart? A couple of photographs, a few graphics filters for no special reason, and a few dialogue bubbles later, we had a new Hot Flash for y’all. Enjoy!

And last, but not least, we’ve got A Crayon Haiku #40. I actually was too afraid to click the link, but if you’ve seen it and happen to know what’s on the other side, feel free to leave a comment or drop me an e-mail to let me know. As far as the content of the haiku itself goes, while I’ve never seen furry porn, I imagine that it would be far more interesting than regular porn. As every “normal” porn film I’ve glimpsed has been exceedingly boring and even kinda gross — I’ve never been able to watch a feature-length porno in its entirety because I always say, “Fuck this!” and proceed to do something more exciting — furry porn might be kinda neat, with the fuzzy costumes and the incredibly weird role-playing involved in the activity. So yeah, if you can find my address and have some furry porn lying around, feel free to send me that too. 😉

Alrighty, that’s all for now. Take care, and we’ll see y’all in ’06! 😀

-posted by Wes | 9:26 pm | Comments (1)
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