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Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #110!
The Grim Reaper returns to Scary-Crayon in the 110th Hot Flash comic, in which we see the skeletal personification of death call on one Mai Shiranui. But why, Grim?! She’s much too young to die! Much too sexy, too. (6/30/09)
So! New Hot Flash today. Remember when I wrote in the Classic TV Toys Grim Reaper review that the guy was toy comic gold? Well, I wasn’t kidding — this is only the first of many humorous visits from our skull-headed friend. He won’t feature in the next few Hot Flashes (yes, for once I’ve actually got advanced content queued up!), but he will definitely be back. Mark my words.
Yeah… moving on. If you missed that Michael Jackson Hot Flash I cleverly hid away to avoid any flaming in the immediate wake of his death, you can check that out! It does poke fun at the guy, though, so be warned if you’re an ultra-sensitive Chris Crocker LEAVE MICHAEL ALONE HE’S A (dead) HUMAN BEING kinda person. And speaking of recent features, don’t forget to read Ragey’s Jungle Panda review! If you haven’t already!
And that should just about do it for today’s entry, right? No — there’s one more important thing, which you probably haven’t noticed because it’s so subtle. Take a moment to scroll on up to the navigation header, won’t you? I’ll wait.
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<elevator music plays>
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Back? Didja see it? NO?!?!? Fine, I’ll tell you — the site navigation has been changed up a bit! See, for a while I’ve been dumping toy reviews into the Miscellaneous Articles category… and while that worked fine when we were only doing one every six months or so, the recent onslaught of them has prompted me to give them a separate category. However, because I didn’t want to mess with the right-side SC graphic(s) — and because it’s been ages since I posted an installment of Crayon Poetry Corner — I decided to merge the CPC and Writing sections. w00t.
Aaand because that changed the alignment of the text, and since I didn’t have or couldn’t find a lot of the old files I used, it also meant that I had to completely redo all of the left header graphics. I’m not even going to tell you how long it’s taken me, but suffice it to say that I’ve been staring at code and graphics and little grey and darker grey boxes that indicate transparency for so long that I’ve temporarily (temporarily?) gone quite mad. Hence the rather punchy nature of this entry! Oh ho ho ho ho.
And this is why Madballs and a Squirtdevil are swarming the Juggernaut.
P.S. If you’ve been using a RSS feed reader to keep up with the blog and have been swarmed by the gross anti-hotlinking graphic, let me know! I’ve fixed it for Google Reader and Bloglines, and at the very least you should be able to view the emoticons without having to see poor Raph partially submerged in a cow patty… but if you’re using another feed reader, let me know so I can fix things for you too. Not that I post all that many images in the blog, but still — if you’re legitimately trying to keep up with the site, you shouldn’t be subjected to that. 😛
Yesterday, the music world lost one of its greats: Michael Jackson, the King of Pop himself. In this special edition Hot Flash, we remember the legendary performer… as well as some of his, shall we say, quirks. (6/26/09)
Considering the blow(s) dealt to the pop culture world yesterday, it’s a bit ironic that I posted a Grim Reaper figure review early that morning, eh?
Anyway, I generally like to leave more time in between updates to allow y’all to catch up, but here’s a special Hot Flash to mark the passing of one Michael Jackson. The image itself is kinda fitting, but if you click it you get the snarky dialogue that prompted me to make the comic in the first place (well, I imagined Michael Jackson saying that upon entering his own personal version of Heaven)… so you might not want to if you really loved Jacko and are easily upset by people making fun of him (especially now that he’s gone). For my part, I didn’t know him and he didn’t know me — and he hadn’t put out any really great songs since the 80s, so it’s not like I’m being deprived of any awesome new music — so I’m not really saddened by his death. I’d be sadder if you died, since right now, simply by reading this, you are closer to me than Michael Jackson ever was.
Also? The guy was a child molester, or at least did some really inappropriate shit with children. How do I know this? The guy talked about sharing his bed with children on national television — no, international television — without appearing to even remotely grasp how that would be perceived. “What’s wrong with sharing your bed?” You just don’t fucking do it, that’s what’s wrong with it — if for no other reason than your own goddamned protection. And he said this long after he’d already paid off some other family accusing him of touching their little boy!
Shit, if something like that happened to me I would never be seen in the presence of children again. Nor would I calmly dismiss any accusations concerning or references to the incident as stemming from “ignorance.” No, my response would be more along the lines of, “FUCK YOU I DIDN’T TOUCH THAT MOTHERFUCKING KID AND IF YOU EVER SAY I DID AGAIN I WILL FUCKING SMASH YOUR JAW AND RIP OUT YOUR FINGERNAILS.” Michael Jackson’s attitude towards the whole thing was never that of an innocent man — it was more like that of a guilty man who didn’t understand what was wrong with what he’d done. And while that is in itself is a kind of innocence, my point stands.
So… yeah. Oh, you might notice that this comic isn’t linked on the front page — that’s mostly because I want Ragey’s awesome Jungle Panda review to occupy the top spot on the site for at least a few more days, but also because I don’t want people just popping in, seeing it, and then coming here to flame the crap out of me. They’re going to have to go a little deeper into the site for that. 😛
‘Till next time!
You’ve probably heard of the Kung Fu Panda, but there’s a pretty good chance you don’t know of the Jungle Panda. Thanks to guest author Ragey, however, you too can learn about the majesty of this absurd little beast. (6/25/09)
How does a toy that collapses into a broken pile of cheap dollar-store body parts right out of the package rise up to become one of the most entertaining figures ever?! I’ll tell you how: the Grim Reaper is magic. (6/25/09)
Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #109!
In the latest installment of Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash, Hellboy achieves his goal of clothing himself in more than just a pair of shorts and boots! His accessory’s original owner doesn’t seem too happy, though… (6/25/09)
It’s time once again for new articles. w00t! That’ll do for an introduction. 😛
First up, a guest piece from Ragey of Random Action Hour (part of the Random Hoo Haas network of awesome stuff). As a fellow connoisseur of freakish bootleg toys, Ragey has graced the site with a review of a Jungle Panda action figure! Who or what is Jungle Panda, you ask? You’ll have to read the review to find out in depth… but let’s just say that he’s Kung Fu Panda’s unhinged and malnourished cousin from the jungles of Myops.
We’ve also got a review of the Mad Monsters Series 2 Grim Reaper figure from Classic TV Toys. I really, really like this toy — no, love this toy — and yet I should probably strongly dislike it for at least one major reason. Instead, Daddy Death’s got me fawning over him and almost set to dive headlong into another toy obsession not unlike the Power Rangers figure kick that I still haven’t written about. Why didn’t anyone tell me these things were so bloody much fun?!
And then there’s the 109th installment of Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash. You may recall an old Crayon Haiku in which Hellboy was shown wearing an oversized coat — well, thanks to Clobberin’ Time Thing and whatever weird occurrences led to this old figure appearing recently on the toy shelves at Ross, Hellboy now has a more fitting garment! I almost feel bad for Thing, though… in addition to losing his jacket, he lost his batteries because that sound effect was getting on my bloody nerves. 🙁
The other comics have appeared elsewhere but not previously on SC, so I include them as an excuse to plug other sites and such. I mentioned that Toy Bender contest a while back — well, Beverly Crusher was the figure that I won. Hurrah! And the Optimus and Prowl comic comes from a guest review that I did of Samurai Prowl over at Articulated Discussion. It’s Transformers Week over there, so be sure to visit and check out all of the fun (or not-so-fun, in the case of Prowl) Transformers content!
And while we’re plugging other sites, you should really visit Geek Creek by Monte Williams! He apparently goes to a local canyon and takes cool photos of action figures in natural settings — very cool stuff, even if pics like that destroyed Animated Megatron cause me to wince in pain. Monte also writes about pop culture and other miscellany on Retrobate and the Lowbrow Literati column on PopMatters, so check those out too.
Aaaaaaand that’s all I’ve got for now! Expect more Hot Flash comics next time, since I was serious when I said that about Grim. Grim’s a bloody toy comic goldmine. 
In the latest installment of Sarah Jane Smith Fashionista Fever!, Mickey Glitter sadly reports that Sarah Jane has been replaced by a horrible alien clone with awful fashion sense. Please come back to us, Sarah Jane! (6/14/09)
I’ve never thought of ice cream as boring… but apparently the folks at MolliCoolz were so tired of its rich and creamy texture that they decided to break out the liquid nitrogen and freeze it into tiny beads. Bad idea. (6/14/09)
After six years and a terrible third film, those futuristic killer cyborgs are back in theaters with Terminator Salvation! Alas, as our review of the movie notes, this mess is far inferior to the robots’ recent television exploits. (6/14/09)
THREE NEW ARTICLES!!! Seriously, when was the last time that happened? (And when will it happen again?! Who bloody knows?!)
Anyway, first up we have the latest installment of Mickey Glitter’s Sarah Jane Smith Fashionista Fever! (which is also crossposted on Strange Cousin Susan, the online home of our coruscating contributor)! While Mickey’s favorite time-traveling journalist — she can only be my second favorite; if you stood still, April O’Neil totally appeared on screen in all of the levels of Turtles in Time on the SNES — may have lost whatever fashionista flavor she’d acquired in previous appearances, at least we get to read Mickey’s amusing criticisms of such items as translucent pink macks and desperation-soaked Andy Pandy overalls. Perhaps Mickey would’ve been less harsh if Sarah Jane had donned a bright yellow jumpsuit and white boots instead? 😉
Next, an honest-to-goodness Foodstuffs article: a review of MolliCoolz Incredible Ice Cream Beads. I really don’t like these things, which actually made me kinda sad after I visited the MolliCoolz website and found it to be so infectiously delightful. Okay, it was mostly the exuberant (!) MolliCoolz spokeswoman who I found to be delightful… but still. Given my tendency to leave multiple tabs open, however, she did start to get on my nerves after a while! I mean, as much as I love your accent, darlin’, I don’t need you simultaneously giving me three different MolliCoolz pitches and/or nagging me about not clicking around while I’m scouring the interwebs in an attempt to find out if elephants have ever been documented eating meat. (I haven’t found anything yet to indicate that they have, though apparently hippos will consume animal flesh in rare circumstances.)
And lastly, there’s my review of Terminator Salvation. I’m pretty sure I would have disliked the movie even if I hadn’t seen and loved “Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles”, but that a television show — and a canceled one at that 👿 — managed to be so superior to this film, what with its overpaid “A-list” actors and bigtime Hollywood screenwriters and whatnot just irks me. Christian Bale needs to flip out on himself for reading this movie’s script and still agreeing to do it. Money cannot buy back dignity, Bale-san. (more…)
Okay, there’s no need to run from a toy — but in this review of the 6″ Terminator Salvation T-600 figure, we detail the reasons that you might want to hide your wallet when faced with this scaled-down cyborg. (6/10/09)
Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #108!
It’s a cold, cold world in Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #108… especially if you happen to be the Captain! The comics herein also feature Ginormica and the Wuzzles in their debut Scary-Crayon appearances. Yay! (6/10/09)
A Crayon Haiku #132 through 135!
A Crayon Haiku just keeps on rolling! In this fiendish 5-7-5 four-pack, you’ll find a customized Foot ninja, Decepticons victorious, and the latest Legion of Doom tally! It’s not a very good day to be a hero, huh? (6/10/09)
Indeed! So this is probably the largest update we’ve had in quite a while, though two out of three of today’s features aren’t insanely substantial (though hopefully they are a tiny bit amusing). First up, Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #108 — which actually features three one-panel comics rather than the usual one. Does anybody remember the Wuzzles, or is it really just me? And thanks again to TAO of Articulated Discussion for the Captain Cold figure, which I won in his contest for April! w00t!
One of these days I’m gonna have a contest over here, though I doubt I’ll give away anything half as cool as a Legion of Doom member. As seen in today’s installment of A Crayon Haiku — which covers #132-135 — that brings me just two members away from completing the team! I’ll probably end up eBaying a DC Direct Cheetah, but I’m kinda torn about what to do for Giganta. I’m not really serious about keeping Ginormica on the team for the long haul… at least not without some customization. And speaking of customization, you can see my mostly complete Foot ninja custom in ACH #132! The base figure was obviously a Spectacular Spider-Man figure, but I also did some sculpting on him. I’ll give a full rundown of the process once I’ve truly finished him. Oh, and Shockwave. SHOCKWAVE. I initially disliked the toy, but now I kinda like him. Perhaps that $20 refund had something to do with it!
And then we’ve got our more substantial offering for today — a review of Playmates Toys’s Terminator Salvation T-600 figure! I actually kinda like the guy, but if I were giving out numerical scores I’d probably have to give him a 6/10 on the collector scale. If you’re at all interested in getting him, though, he’s probably worth picking up. (more…)
…and they’re all on the spine-chilling CD that is The Story of Frankenstein, Dracula, and the Wolfman! Read on, lest the disc’s malformed monster, nefarious nosferatu, and wistful werewolves find their way… to your town. (6/1/09)
I really don’t have a lot to add about today’s article — a review of The Story of Frankenstein, Dracula, and the Wolfman — and since it’s late and I’m really hot (temperature-wise, I mean) I’ll keep this brief. Please let me know what you think of the review, and definitely share your thoughts if you own this CD or order it following my recommendation! It really is a fun listen, and while it wasn’t what I expected in terms of content, it definitely exceeded my expectations in terms of quality. Heck, for $1, it could’ve gotten away with being much, much worse.
Until next time! 😈
