Ah, Valentine's Day -- that miraculous, wonderful day on which naked babies with wings take to the skies and perform savage terrorist attacks with premodern weaponry in the interest of spreading good vibes and lovin' feelin' throughout the land. And since one of the primary ways in which people purportedly express their love for each other is found in the exercise of sex, we here at Scary-Crayon have undertaken to assist you in your romantic escapades on this February 14th. You see, the special nature of V-Day warrants a bit of bedroom innovation, and while it has often been said that the way to a person's heart is through his or her stomach, I don't think that's quite true. Note that lovers don't give each other hulking burritos on this mushiest of days -- no! They give them chocolate. Because chocolate tastes good, and love is far more akin to something tasty than to something filling. Whereas the song goes, "Yummy, yummy, yummy, I've got love in my tummy," it should say, "Yummy, yummy, yummy, I've got love on my tongue." Unless you're an insect of some sort, you don't eat your lovers -- you just make out with them. So thus far, we've connected V-Day and loOoOove to both sex and tasty things. How to combine these two? Enter: LifeStyles Flavored Condoms!
Yes, dear readers, in order to aid your tender lovemaking efforts tonight (or any night), I, Wes of Scary-Crayon, have undertaken to taste test not one, not two, but three different LifeStyles condom flavors so that you can know how best to please your lover (or yourself, depending upon who's doing the sucking) in the course of oral sexcapades. Oh, the things I do for your benefit! Along for the ride, American Godzilla (aka GINO, but because I love him/her and that is an insult I will not use that name) and Cubone will make stupid comments in word bubbles as I endeavor to discover whether the strawberry, banana, and vanilla-flavored condoms accurately match their namesakes with respect to taste and will sufficiently enhance your naughty activities. And while I'm using condoms because I got them free at an AIDS Day event, I'm sure LifeStyles makes flavored dental dams and whatnot that probably taste the same, so you don't have to be a woman in a heterosexual relationship or a man in a homosexual relationship or a person in a relationship with a freak whose fetishes involve having his/her condom-clad fingers sucked for this information to be useful.
However, because I don't own any jelly dongs and am not terribly flexible and have no desire whatsoever to suck someone else's very real penis, I will be using a sake bottleneck in order to replicate the experience of sucking on a blood-engorged third leg -- because while it is true that I could taste the condoms just as well by placing them in my mouth and sucking on them like candy, tasting them in this manner will be the best way for me to assess the performance of the condoms in the field. Yeah, a banana could've worked, but bananas have distinctive tastes and that could theoretically have interfered with the taste test, so I ruled out that option. Bottles with caps on, however, have no taste. Also, I really like sake, and because taking pictures of oneself sucking on condoms while wearing a clip-on tie and blue bunny ears is pretty fucking embarrasing, I'm going to be getting flipping wasted in order to keep from realizing that I'm making an utter fool of myself for the amusement and possible arousal of any persons who happen to Google whatever combination of sick keywords lands them at this page. Why am I wearing a clip-on tie and bunny ears? I don't know. Is it okay to admit that I started drinking long before I began photographing this article, and that the bottle of sake is actually already 3/4ths empty? No, I don't have a problem. Let's have another drink to cleanse the palate before we begin.
Okay, first of all, yuck. Just yuck. Apparently tasting them in a chewing gum capacity wouldn't have worked at all, because they're fucking nasty and greasy along the edges and the interior side. Lubricated for your pleasure? Lubricated for my nausea. This is really gross. Anyway, having seen the requisite videos and sex education demonstrations back in middle school, I knew how to properly fit the condom to the erect bottle neck, and then it was time to begin sucking! You know, this is pretty weird to do with a sake bottle and before the eye of a camera, so I can't imagine what this sitch would be like with naked people and actual throbbing appendages around. You folks enjoy your V-Day oral -- I think I'll just stay home and watch a zombie movie and drink sake, thanks.
Nor does the taste of this "strawberry"-flavored condom constitute a compelling reason to dissuade me from that course of action, as it is freaking terrible. In addition to the nasty slick and waxy texture that I guess is a function of the fact that it's a condom and is supposed to feel at home both inside of a wet mouth and a wet... mouth, it hardly tastes like strawberries. No, I definitely do not say, "Mmmm, mmmm, mmm, that is one damned tasty strawberry!" when I put this in my mouth. Given the look of it, you might say that it tastes like the ghost of a strawberry, but what it really tastes like is a piece of rubber was briefly rubbed against a strawberry and then dunked in a jar of vaseline. Or maybe like the piece of wax paper from which a Fruit Roll-Up was peeled. Several lunch months ago. What I mean to say is that while there is an exceedingly faint berry taste here, it's certainly nothing to write home about or print on condom packaging that advertises the contents therein as being strawberry-flavored. It tastes like the illegitimate love child of a canned strawberry and a resident of Madame Tussaud's, and it makes one wish that one of them had used a condom so that this unfortunate tastebud insult had never come into being. Ugh. That said, I will now wash the taste of it away with another swig of sake.
Next up, the banana-flavored condom. Admittedly, I am kind of looking forward to this, seeing as how bananas are pretty damned good -- especially when mixed with peanut butter. Now there's an idea -- a peanut butter and banana-flavored condom! Or I guess one could also just spread peanut butter and mashed banana atop a condom and go to it. Don't do that without the condom, though, because I once read an article about a couple who smeared peanut butter on their genitalia and then proceeded to have sex. I'm sure it was very smooth and creamy (unless they used chunky peanut butter, in which case, ouch), but then they both got urinary tract infections. That's just not very romantic at all if you ask me, but hey, points for creativity! So after enduring the disgusting greasiness of these condoms -- you know, this is totally a turn-off. We've all heard the stories of guys going on about how condoms ruin the feeling of sex and make them feel like they're wearing raincoats in the swimming pool and whatnot, but I wonder if any guys have outright refused to use condoms because they hate the nasty, slimy feeling that they get from them? But then I guess if they had problems with slimy things they wouldn't be hahahaha okay let's stop there before I start offending people. Aaaand now that I've outfitted the sake bottle with the banana flavored condom, it is time to suck!
Okay. Maybe I'm expecting too much out of these things. I mean, they're pieces of rubber designed to protect the spread of venereal diseases and baby-making fluids and stuff, so it kind of makes sense that they don't taste like fresh strawberries or ripe bananas that I found at the supermarket and bagged after spending the last five minutes trying to open one of those stupid super-thin plastic baggies they keep nearby on rolls. This isn't a healthy treat that Mommy packed with my school lunch; it's something that covers up private parts and keeps them from making contact with the interior of someone else's mouth. Perhaps I shouldn't have expected it to taste like it would go well with peanut butter or a chocolate coating.
Then again, banana-flavored should really mean banana-flavored. When I would pop a banana-flavored Now and Later candy into my mouth back in the day, it tasted kinda like a banana. When I drink banana-flavored Boulaine liquor, it tastes kinda like bananas. I mean, it's sweeter than an actual banana and it gets me way drunker, but it definitely has a pronounced banana taste. And it should, because that is why I bought it. Again, however, LifeStyles condoms disappoint, with a banana flavoring so faint and fraught with yuckiness that it's like licking the sticky side of the Dole sticker stuck to the peel of a store-bought banana. Ladies, if you're squeamish about fellatio and think that purchasing these condoms will make you forget that you're sucking a rubber-clad dick, think again. You will know damned well that you are not playing with a banana or anything else that tastes like food unless for some reason you eat rubber bands, in which case you might as well just get the regular kind and save yourself some money. Assuming that the flavored condoms cost extra, anyway. If they do, I totally can't recommend paying for them. But I may be speaking prematurely, 'cause we've still got one more flavor to go...
You know, maybe it's the sake talking, but I find it impossible not to consider the idea of a vanilla-flavored condom without collapsing into a fit of laughter. Think about it. The term "vanilla" is used to describe something bland or ordinary -- and when employed as a descriptor of one's sexual tastes, it denotes a more traditional, kink-free approach to the deed. Yet here we're talking about vanilla-flavored penises, which is anything but vanilla in the aforementioned sense. It's hilariously ironic. Don't you think?
So, vanilla-flavored condoms. It all comes down to this. The fruit flavors were terrible and I'd really love to quit right now. My fingers are slimy, it's getting harder and harder to open the bottle of sake after each trial to drink more of the sweet sweet cleansing rice wine and wash the rubber and lies from my tongue, and I'm starting to forget that these bunny ears are on my head, which is not good at all because I could wake up tomorrow and go out in public wearing them and Farmer Brown could mistake me for one o' them fluffy-tailed varmints that's been messin' 'round in his carrot patch and shoot me dead in the middle of Wal-Mart. Yeah, I don't know either, but let's get this over with.
At this point, however, I get to thinking maybe it wasn't the fault of the condoms or LifeStyles that I was failing to get the purported taste out of them. I mean, if a guy with no tongue eats a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, is it Reese's fault that the guy doesn't taste anything? Not quite so similarly but close enough for you to get the idea, maybe I had failed to use the condoms in the proper way for them to achieve their maximum flavor potential during those previous attempts. Yes, I was sucking the crap out of them, but my technique lacked the care and finesse that would attend a legitimate V-Day oral session. Hell, my methods probably would've bruised an actual dick. And perhaps that's not the right way to unlock the hidden flavor of LifeStyles condoms. Perhaps that end requires one to exercise a gentler, more loving technique. Besides, with the amount of cutesy yaoi enthusiasts at anime conventions and the success of Brokeback Mountain among the lady folk, I've come to understand that girls like to look at stuff like this. Send all declarations of undying love to email@example.com, thanks.
You know, I just realized that I've mainly written this article in present tense, as if this is all going on even as I type. That's silly, because obviously one cannot both type and suck on flavored condom-clad bottlenecks at the same time. Or I guess one could, but I certainly wouldn't have enjoyed it. I didn't enjoy this anyway. Despite what you might gather from these images. So keep your hands on the keyboard and stop having nasty thoughts. Especially if you are reading this article on the job or in one of the school computer labs.
So despite the show for your amusement, the flavor of the condom was not at all enhanced. In fact, I didn't taste anything -- so perhaps "vanilla" is the right descriptor for this condom, as it tasted like I imagine a regular condom would taste. You know, I'm thinking maybe I should've had a regular condom here in order to better assess the flavor of the special variety by comparison, but oddly enough I didn't see any of those at the AIDS Day event. Does that mean that they're trying to encourage sexually active people to be even kinkier in the interest of dissuading them from performing actual intercourse? Is oral sex safer? Because if that were the case, that would be pretty clever on the organizers' part! But I digress. The purpose of this article was to better advise you in your V-Day plans, so here's my advice: if you want to taste things during your sexcapades, don't rely on LifeStyles Flavored Condoms. Instead, use actual food products. Be careful, though, because you wouldn't want to end up with a urinary tract infection. And now, I will finish off this bottle and pass out.