And now, Scary-Crayon presents...
THOMAS WAYNE WAS AN ASSHOLE
by: Wes

You'd cry too if your dad were an asshole.''My daddy made me crazy.''

So I was watching Tim Burton's Batman the other night when something dawned on me. Not merely that it wasn't a particularly great film -- I'm not sure exactly why I loved it so much back then -- but that it was totally Thomas Wayne's fault that he and his wife were murdered that fateful night. I've been told that Ra's Al Ghul voiced a similar opinion in Batman Begins, criticizing the elder Wayne for his apparent inability to combat evil when it confronted him face to face. My problems with Thomas Wayne, however, are of a much more practical nature. In this article, I intend to show that Thomas Wayne was hardly the upstanding citizen whose loss was so lamentable that it necessarily resulted in the birth of the Batman. On the contrary, Bats, your dad was an asshole.

1. THOMAS WAYNE RECKLESSLY ENDANGERED HIS FAMILY.

Bye-bye, Martha.Everyone knows that walking through deserted alleys at night isn't safe. So, given that knowledge, why would Thomas Wayne do just that on that fateful night, especially with his family in tow? Clearly the dude thought he was an invincible badass -- a belief echoed in his determination to fucking fight with armed robbers while possessing no weapons of his own. Who did he think he was -- Batman? No, without the aid of body armor and millions of dollars worth of gadgets in his stylish yellow belt, Tom Wayne's antics were little more than those of an asshole playing at being a hero. This might've been acceptable -- even brave -- if he had been alone and/or slightly retarded, but that he was an intelligent man with his wife and child at his side and still thought it would be a good idea to fight back against armed robbers makes it difficult to view him as being anything more than a jerk. Not only did he endanger himself, but the lives of his wife and child -- and look what happened. Asshole.

2. THOMAS WAYNE WAS A GREEDY MOTHERFUCKER.

When an armed robber asks for your shit, you give it to him. Again, common knowledge, unless you're a gambling man or have suicidal tendencies -- so why would Thomas Wayne rise up to struggle with the thief who snatched his wife's pearl necklace? I mean, it's not like he wasn't a multi-millionaire or anything! In addition to the extensive jewelry collection Martha Wayne almost certainly had waiting for her at home, her husband could easily have purchased another dozen pearl necklaces to replace the one she lost to the mugger. Why, then, would Wayne have fought so passionately to keep the robber from making away with those ill-gotten gains?

The smile of an asshole.

Because Thomas Wayne was unbelievably greedy, that's why. Some say he stood up to the mugger because of principle -- that it didn't matter how much money he had; he wasn't going to let some criminal steal from him without a fight, damnit! -- but when you think about it, would a man really endanger the lives of his wife and child just to uphold some goddamned right to property principle? Well, yes, but I doubt that that moral concern was at the forefront of his thoughts. No, one would have to be acting on pure, unbridled greed -- an overpowering greed that blinded him to all other concerns -- to risk his family's safety for a stupid fucking necklace. And I needn't tell you the kind of person (an asshole) who would do something like that!

3. THOMAS WAYNE WAS A TERRIBLE FATHER AND AN ABUSIVE HUSBAND.

The other two points were more or less obvious -- of course Thomas Wayne was an idiot for inviting tragedy by walking through an abandoned alley and trying to play superhero, and one has to be at least a little greedy to amass a multimillion dollar fortune -- but, at least to my knowledge, it's never been argued that Thomas Wayne was anything but a loving and devoted family man. Nothing could be further from the truth! Consider that typically, when a loved one dies, our thoughts and actions tend to concern what that person would have wanted This photo is a lie.for us. It makes sense, then, to assume that, in pondering that subject, Bruce Wayne concluded that his dear old dad would have wanted him to dress up like a giant bat and run around beating the living shit out of criminals in a displaced attempt to avenge his father's death.

What kind of father would a man have to be for his son to get such a crazy idea into his head? A violent man with delusions of heroism, that's what -- and, again, we see this in his insistence upon putting himself in harm's way in the back alley scenario that led to his murder. How did young Bruce know that his dad would have wanted this? Not only did he witness his father attacking that criminal; he himself had probably been on the receiving end of many a vicious beating because of some mischief he'd gotten himself into. And as far as Tom Wayne being an abusive husband, well, how many punches have you seen Batman pull when fighting Catwoman or Poison Ivy? Not very many, I'd wager -- but even if Batman did develop the gentleman's condescension towards the female sex in the course of his upbringing (which is entirely possible; Alfred is a pretty classy guy), the elder Wayne was still probably a dick to his wife. How do we know? Well, unless she was a total idiot, you'd think she would've had something to say about his decision to walk through a deserted alley in the middle of the night -- but she kept her fucking mouth shut and didn't question his decision. Why? 'Cause she knew if she didn't, she'd get it BANG! ZOWIE! right in the kisser, that's why! Thomas Wayne was such an asshole.

4. THOMAS WAYNE PRACTICED SLAVERY.

Seriously. Bruce Wayne's parents were murdered when he was ten years old -- and, as such, Alfred assumed the duties of the man of the house until young Master Wayne was old enough to run things himself. Not only did Alfred then assume the role of his father, but that of his best friend and confidant as well. The dude practically raised Bruce. So why did he persist in calling Bruce "sir"? Why, throughout the years, was he forced to continue No Underground Railroad for Alfred. :(to wear the goofy penguin suit of the butler, when clearly his role and importance in the Wayne household so far surpassed the demands of his occupation? Because Alfred was never a butler, that's why. In truth, Thomas Wayne bought him in a colonial prison and demanded that he serve their family with the utmost conviction on pain of whippings and torture until he finally dropped dead of exhaustion. And because unlike the elder Wayne, Alfred was a good man who abhored the violence that might have allowed him to escape, he performed his duties faithfully, without incident, until his dying day.

And why did Bruce never say, "Hey, Alfred, what's up with this 'sir' shit? We're best pals for-ev-er -- call me Bruce"? Because Bruce knew that his father would have wanted Alfred to retain his lowly station as long as he lived, and because he feared that, if he ever liberated Alfred from his "butler"'s chains, his father would WISE FWOM HIS GWAVE and exact a terrible vengeance upon them all -- or at least would have been really pissed about it, his being an asshole and all. Consequently, when Alfred died, he was buried at sea, without the benefit of a funeral, in accordance with Thomas Wayne's wishes.

''I'm glad you're dead.''I could probably keep going, but I think the above points are sufficient to prove that Thomas Wayne was an asshole. He was a greedy man who recklessly endangered the lives of his wife and son, which is hardly surprising given that he was horribly abusive to them both. And the one truly loyal friend he had -- the person who looked after his son after his untimely death, even -- he kept as a slave! To say nothing of the fact that his death resulted in the creation of one of the coolest superheroes ever. Indeed, Thomas Wayne was an awful human being, and the world was a better place without him in more ways than one. So here's to you, Tommy boy! I'm glad you're dead.

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