And now, Scary-Crayon reviews...
A DAY WITH BARNEY
by: Wes

A Day With Barney!Oh, you've seen him before. You've watched him dance, you've heard him sing, and maybe -- just maybe -- you've scratched your head in disbelief and wondered WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK IS WRONG WITH CHILDREN TODAY THAT WOULD CAUSE THEM TO FALL IN LOVE WITH AN IRRITATING OVERWEIGHT PURPLE DINOSAUR THING?!?!?!?!?!? Seriously, I don't get it. Sure, there were reasons to watch the old PBS show -- one of which we'll discuss later, but, among other reasons, it was just fucking ridiculous -- but there was never any reason for anyone to actually like Barney. He was a fat purple Tyrannosaur that hung out with children and sang wussy songs about hugging everyone and giving love -- you know, the kind of thing that would get kids the age of Barney's playmates beaten bloody and left for dead by their own parents in the real world. Still, the littler kids ate it up, and Barney took the nation by storm, flooding store shelves with a number of toys, videos, and even a godawful Sega Genesis game -- and, as we now see, books as well. Apparently these didn't sell too well, given that I picked A Day With Barney and three other Barney books up in a $1 set, but what can we say? Kids are fickle. Or maybe they actually read this book and got scared out of their wits. Impossible, you say? Read on, then, to discover the horror of... A Day With Barney. For the record, I've skipped a few pages in this review, so don't think less of Barney for apparently forgetting to do certain activities -- for instance, brushing his teeth before bed. He does remember to brush his two teeth -- he's only got one long curvy tooth up top and ditto for the bottom -- but I digress. It's time for Barney to start the day!

''It's time to wake up, Barney!''

The book just began and already there are soooo many things wrong with this picture. First, the obvious -- there's a fucking purple Tyrannosaur in bed with a teddy bear and blue-and-white striped pajamas. Two words: Fucked. up. Now for the things you wouldn't know unless you actually watched Barney on television, and I'm not embarrassed to say that "Barney & Friends" at 7:30 AM was once an integral part of my weekday morning viewing schedule. I mean really, I was in 7th grade and Barney hung out with a 14-year-old girl with a nice ass. You can hardly blame me. Or Barney, for that matter, since I'm pretty sure he got in trouble for copping a feel.

Where was I going with this? Well, on the show, Barney was clearly depicted as a regular stuffed animal that magically transformed into his larger and infinitely more irritating form during the first few minutes of every episode. As a toy, Barney didn't really have his own room (unless one counts the schoolhouse in which he was kept), a bed, pajamas, or an alarm clock -- and since he was a stuffed animal himself, so he had no need for a teddy bear either. The relevant question, then, is where the bleeding hell did all of these things come from???? They're not his, for the aforementioned reason. Probably these things belonged to one of his little friends. But then, what happened to the kid? DID BARNEY EAT HIM?!?!? Perhaps, but I think something even more sinister is at hand. Recall that Barney's normal form was that of a stuffed animal. Yet here he is, large as life, gripping a stuffed animal -- a stuffed animal with a creepy, wide-eyed gaze at that... as if it is trapped in its own form. Yes, I believe that Barney somehow siphoned the lifeforce of one of the kids in order to make himself "real", and in the process transformed the poor child into a teddy bear. But since this bear holds the key to reversing the process, Barney clutches it tightly at night to ensure that no do-gooders can steal it while he slumbers. Yes.

''What are you eating for breakfast, Barney?''

Again, more lies! Clearly the idyllic appearance of this scene is a front meant to distract us from the real horror of the situatuon, for everyone knows that Tyrannosaurs are carnivores. And note that while the book asks, "What are you eating, Barney?" no answer is supplied. Could it be that his "cereal" is really the shredded flesh of newborn babies in bite-sized pieces, soaked in milk drawn from the screaming mothers still strapped to their maternity ward beds? That the banana is a leftover prop from an elementary school sex ed course? That the orange juice is the urine of starving children in third-world countries who don't get nearly enough water to drink? Oh, Barney, you are one sick fuck.

''Barney plays with his friend Baby Bop.''

Ah, Baby Bop. As if a lardass singing purple Tyrannosaur wasn't bad enough, they had to go and create a pink-spotted, ballet shoe and mascara-wearing Protoceratops that speaks like a toddler to be his friend. Why? Clearly they're not on the same intellectual level -- Barney's more/less an adult, yet here he is in the park playing with what's essentially a fucking baby. Is it because they're both talking humanoid dinosaurs? Does group identity explain their close friendship? Because in real life a Protoceratops and a Tyrannosaur would've gotten along so well together. No, most likely the Tyrannosaur would tear the Protoceratops into bloody chunks of meat at the slightest pang of hunger. However, this possibly sheds some light on the nature of their companionship. Barney is a Tyrannosaur, true, but he's a little smarter than the standard roar-eat-destroy depiction. He knows that if he devours Baby Bop now, before she matures and procreates, there will be no more talking humanoid dinosaurs for him to feast upon in the future -- and as good as little boys and girls taste, for a Tyrannosaur, nothing beats the taste of another terrible lizard. And now it is apparent that Barney merely pretends to be Baby Bop's friend and watches over her in order to ensure that she reaches childrearing age unscathed, whereupon he will gorge himself on her flesh once she has laid her eggs and then watch over the children in a similar capacity. Have we ever seen Baby Bop's parents? HAS THIS HAPPENED ONCE BEFORE?!?!? I suspect that none who have discovered the answer to these questions have lived to tell the tale.

''Barney leads a parade!''

Barney leads a parade! Sure, it seems fairly innocent, but note that the wagon Baby Bop pulls contains not one but two toys -- a doll and a teddy bear. Now, this is clearly a different teddy bear than the one whose life and humanoid form Barney stole for his own sinister purposes. The doll, however, is most likely the child from whom Baby Bop stole her upright life. After all, it makes sense that Baby Bop shares Barney's origins. So what of the teddy bear? Perhaps it is possible for one to steal multiple human essences and store the energy for future transfer, such that Baby Bop has already stolen the light necessary to bring a living humanoid dinosaur baby into the world. I wonder if she knows what Barney plans to do once she actually has said baby, or if she even knows that Barney directed her to siphon the living energy from not one but two children so that she can give birth in the future. I doubt she's caught on, though. Baby Bop is fucking stupid.

''Barney and Baby Bop have fun blowing bubbles.''

Barney's mad reign of terror continues with fun times three and a whole lotta transparent floating spheres of DOOM. But if you'll turn your mind back to the parade for a moment, recall that the final member of the procession was a hapless pooch who'd wandered into Barney's mad linear advance. Here, however, we don't see the dog at all, but we do see Barney and Baby Bop dancing around with bubbles in celebratory fashion... as if anticipating a great feast to come. Oh, little doggie, what has become of thee?

''Now it's suppertime.''

And here we have our answer, as Barney and Baby Bop sit down to enjoy a dinner of buttered toast with noodles and dog meat. Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! indeed. Poor Fido.  ;______;

''Bath time is so much fun!''

Well. We've seen some pretty horrific shit in this book, folks -- a form-sucking stuffed dinosaur, a pitcher of very orange urine, a Protoceratops in ballet shoes, and spaghetti with dog meatballs, to name a few -- so I guess watching a fat purple dinosaur bathe isn't quite so bad. But then, that's before you consider that there's been no mention of Baby Bop actually going home... which means it's highly possible that she's concealed beneath the bubbles and is sucking away at Barney's crotch as if it were a pacifier or even eating his asshole out at this very moment. And hey, with fellatio and salad tossing from toddlers, it's no wonder that Barney's bath time is so much fun! Also, his soap is probably made from the fat of dead baby seals and Maury Povich guests.

''Barney loves to read at bedtime.''

Finally, with Baby Bop's whereabouts still unknown, Barney settles into bed for a little pre-sleep reading. Doing some reading myself, it seems that I've been so busy analyzing the pictures that I neglected to notice that the text on the left page of each and every spread in the book consists of a single word followed by an exclamation point and repeated exactly three times. Barney is one hyper motherfucker, folks. But apparently not too hyper, as he's reading Nursery Rhymes and settling into bed at fucking 7:30 PM. Next to Barney, the poor child trapped in the body of a teddy bear stares into the distance and wishes he could close his wide plastic eyes and stick his ever-so-dry felt tongue back inside his mouth...

''Goodnight, Barney.''

...and here we see that he apparently got his wish, considering that the teddy bear's eyes are actually closed and that his once dangling tongue has since been retracted! Sure, it looks like a peaceful scene, but it also confirms our suspicion that the teddy bear really is alive, which means that there's a good chance that that sinister purple Tyrannosaur did siphon its energy and relegate it to the form of a helpless stuffed animal. I TOLD YOU SO! Anyway, it's 8:00 PM and already Barney's fast asleep. I guess that long day of playing and eating babies and dogs and receiving blowjobs from pink-spotted Protoceratops toddlers really took it out of him. It's hard to make fun of him for that, though -- after a day like that, you'd be exhausted too.

''It never ends...''

And that's how a creature of pure evil spends his day, folks. Tonight, if you have any children, hug them close and tell them you love them. If you have a dog, make sure to keep him indoors when you're away, or at the very least make sure he has no chance of escaping. Because while your loved ones may have escaped Barney's monstrous appetite today, there's always tomorrow... and Barney rises at 7:00 AM sharp. Be afraid.

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