Hey all — sorry for the paucity of updates as of late. I dunno if you were aware of it (I try to relegate discussion of that sort of thing to my personal blog), but I’ve been making plans for a big out-of-state move, and I’ve basically been going crazy with that and haven’t had much time to write wacky zaniness for the site. Apologies! Hopefully I’ll make up for it with not one but TWO articles this weekend. Okay, that might be pushing it, but I’m gonna try my best. 🙂

In the meantime, here’s the note I left on the broken copying machine at work a couple of weeks back. I’m so silly. 😉

Anyway, hope y’all have been well and continue to be so in my absence. And if you’re hankerin’ for more SC goodness, there are always older pieces in the section archives! Ja ne, minna-san!

I’d rather watch EL OJO ROJO!!!

Wes Craven’s Red Eye debuted last weekend to pretty good reviews from a number of credible sources, but I’m not going to see it because the teaser trailer fucking lied to me. The movie I wanted to see? El Ojo Rojo.  (8/27/05)

Don’t you hate it when a teaser trailer makes you think a film is about something much cooler than its actual subject matter? I sure do — and that’s why I’m not going to see Wes Craven‘s Red Eye. Why bother, when the flick playing in my head — El Ojo Rojo — is so much cooler? Imagination makes it happen.

On an unrelated note, a bit of good news — my letter about the stupid panda names was printed in yesterday’s edition of the Washington Post Express! It’s not much, but it’s my first printed clip aside from student publications and Internet fare, so there. Break out the champagne. 😛

Alas, I can’t take credit for the titular reference to Gwyneth Paltrow’s brood, but the rest of the letter appears in more/less unedited form — I had a parenthetical “Eeeeyy!!” that followed the mention of FONZ (Friends of the National Zoo), but that’s about the only change. Sweet!

Anyway, check out El Ojo Rojo! And we’ll see you next time. 🙂

WELCOME TO CRAYONCON!!!

So we missed out on the annual local anime convention this week, but to fill the void we started our own fun-filled fest: CRAYONCON! Join us as we get drunk, enjoy faux sashimi, review anime-related food items.  (8/22/05)

Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #50!

I dunno how funny Bruce Bruce is when he’s not making lame jokes about how much he likes fried chicken, but these new Popeye’s ads are fucking terrible. Someone should be shot for writing this material.  (8/22/05)

Hey there, crayon fans! Hope y’all had a great weekend. I meant to post something new on Saturday, but then I had a brilliant idea and decided to save the update for later. My idea? CRAYONCON!!! See, Otakon was this weekend, and since I didn’t go for the first time since 1998 I decided to make up for it by holding my own little anime-themed culinary festival of sorts! I’m acting like it’s a big deal, but really it’s just an extended Foodstuffs article. You’ll humor me, won’t you? Oh yeah, the fourth and final Forkless Gourmet Bun Meal review is contained in there as well — so if you care at all about that, be sure to read to the end of the piece. 🙂

And then, in Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #50, I parody the recent wave of Popeye’s Chicken commercials featuring comedian Bruce Bruce. You won’t find the comic funny if you haven’t seen the ads, but… hell, you probably won’t find it funny even if you have seen the ads, ’cause they play out pretty much exactly the way I’ve laid it out and there’s nothing funny about them. I’m starting to think that maybe I’m missing the joke, though — we’re not supposed to find what he says funny, but rather we’re supposed to be laughing at the fact that this 400 lb. “black” dude is telling jokes about how much he loves him some fried chicken. Now, that’s not my primary issue with the ads — I just don’t think they’re funny at all, and the fact that Bruce Bruce is grossly overweight adds an element of “WTF?” to the commercials — but if you read the guestbook on Bruce Bruce’s website, a lot of people have seriously taken issue with the ads on those grounds. And I dunno, maybe they have a point, especially given the nature of some of the jokes. While the jokes about his car automatically swerving towards Popeye’s and the one about him seeing his aunt naked and not eating for a month are just dumb (what, does the car eat Popeye’s too? and regarding the second joke, maybe he should see his aunt naked more often), the one about his mother hitting him because he prefers Popeye’s chicken to hers is really weird and, moreover, does support the stereotype that “black” parents are inclined to beat their children for stupid reasons. That’s not cool.

As always, feel free to share your thoughts and comments on either piece. Take care until next time, minna-san!

Hey all. I was hoping to have a new article up for you tonight, but then I accidentally knocked over my Kool-Aid cup of Cocoa Krispies chocolatized milk and spent the next two hours cleaning that mess. I think I’ve gotten most of it, but I’m still finding patches of stickiness in unlikely places — my monitor, my headphones, my windowsill, etc. It’s like cleaning up after a bukkake shoot. Ugh.

So anyway, in lieu of a new article — for those of you who actually read the blog! — here’s a beatnik poem about chocolate milk. You supply the beat.

I want
you know I want
to spill choc-o-late milk
allllllllllll o-ver

you

I want the brown
stick-y flu-id
to seep in-to
your ev’ry crevice
and then

I want

(pause to nod to the band and wink at the audience)

to flip you up-side down
and pry apart your folds
and clean
that sweet, choc-o-late-y good-ness
from your body

with my wet pa-per towels

of love

Thank you, thank you. Barring another unforseen accident, I hope to have a new article for you tomorrow. Ja ne.

MARGARITA CHICKEN …IN A BUN!!!

THEY’RE BACK!!! Scary-Crayon continues its mad quest to review the manifold varieties of Forkless Gourmet Bun Meals in this brief assessment of their Margarita Chicken offering. Also featuring NINJA BOBBLEHEAD!  (8/15/05)

Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #49!

At work, one of the questions I’ve heard quite a bit lately is “How do I get to the second floor?” Seriously! So read on to learn the answer to that very question in this latest Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash installment.  (8/15/05)

Has it been a full week since the last review? My sincerest apologies! Hopefully you haven’t been too bored in the interim. Anyway, today we’ve got two new pieces for you. First, a brief review of Forkless Gourmet’s Margarita Chicken Bun Meal. I’ve about exhausted all there is to say about the things in a general sense, so I hope you won’t find the remaining Bun Meal review(s) to be too tedious! There’s at least one more scheduled.

And then there’s Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #49! Nowhere near the wrong wrong wrongness of ST@N’s 48th installment, this latest comic brings us back to a work environment — not counting the drawings in the Shit-Sniffers article, it’s the first SC comic based on my experiences working at the community college. How does one get to the second floor? Gee, I wonder! I respond politely and with a smile, but seriously, that’s got to be one of the dumbest questions ever. What makes it worse is that the information window isn’t that far into the building — it’s like people walk in and see that there’s a second level but don’t immediately see stairs and start flipping out because they know they’ve got to get up there but they have no idea how they’re supposed to accomplish that task! As if they’d build a building with no way of accessing the second level. Bloody hell, minna-san, bloody hell.

Okay, I’m done. Seeya next time!

FANTASTIC FOUR Z CARDZ!

In this late movie tie-in, Scary-Crayon reviews Fantastic Four Z Cardz — the cardz that turn into 3-D models! And they kinda suck, but what do you expect for thirty cents? Also included: A bonus comic-style adventure!  (8/8/05)

Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #48!

There are so many things wrong with this comic. Created by ST@N from two earlier pieces, Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #48 sees the return of Clara the pregnant vegetable and the Feaster Bunny. It’s too bloody much.  (8/8/05)

Hey all — couple of new pieces for you this Monday. First, to capitalize on the more/less current film release, we’ve got a review of Fantastic Four Z Cardz! There’s really not a lot to say about these “cardz that turn into 3-D models” (not that that stops us from rambling on a bit, mind you!), but at least now I can say I punched out the Thing! Ha ha! I’m so tough. 😉 And then the article caps off with a quick comic adventure starring the fantastic fruit of my card punchin’ labor. w00t.

And then there’s Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #48, a guest comic by ST@N! It’s probably the sickest thing on the site, as ST@N’s taken characters from two of the more controversial Hot Flashes — #26 and the Easter edition — and put them in the same room. Now, it’s not all that gory or visually disgusting, but the implications are just… wrong. And again, it’s a guest comic, so if you’re offended, grossed-out, etc. etc. — direct your correspondence to ST@N. 🙂

All for now — catch you next time, folks!

Tales of Seduction by U-Jin, Part 2!

In part two of our Tales of Seduction by U-Jin review, we meet Toyama no Benbei, the smoothest hired rapist ever! WARNING: This piece may not be work-safe! There’s no graphic nudity, but there are questionable ethics!  (8/2/05)

Cover your keyboards, folks, ’cause it’s about to get sticky as we at Scary-Crayon present the second installment of our Tales of Seduction by U-Jin review! In “When a Virgin Steals a Man”, we learn why one should never pretend to be a virgin in order to steal another woman’s fiance — because apparently, at least in hentai, that’s the worst thing that a woman can do. Ever. Enjoy!

In the final installment — whenever that goes up! — we’ll once again join the mysterious Toyama no Benbei for a final adventure in U-Jin’s famed ero-ero world. See you then! But in the meantime, if you missed the first part of the review, be sure to check that out as well. 🙂