COLOURING WITH SCARY FACES!!!

In 1987, while traveling through London town, I discovered the greatest coloring book ever. Now, over a decade later, it is my extreme privilege to share the magic and awe of Scary Faces with you. You are not ready.  (1/26/09)

MAXIMUM FASHION FASCINATION!

It’s true: Mickey Glitter has returned with a new installment of Sarah Jane Smith Fashionista Fever!… wherein we see the culmination of young Sarah Jane’s cumulative fashion growth. Perfection, thy name is Andy Pandy.  (1/25/09)

COURAGEOUS & RIGHTEOUS!!!

Besides the folks whose trademarks are being infringed upon, who doesn’t love knockoff toys? If you raised your hand, we bet the Courageous Righteous Bootleg Turtles will change your mind! They’re so… amazing.  (1/25/09)

A Crayon Haiku #111 through 117!

Let’s count: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven — SEVEN haiku! Ah ah ah ah ah. Yes, A Crayon Haiku #111 through 117 are here! Today is also Scary-Crayon’s fifth birthday, so there’s even a baby picture therein.  (1/25/09)

Hidey-ho, minna-san! You didn’t think we’d let the site’s fifth anniversary pass without comment, did you? Yes, it’s been five years since we first opened our virtual doors on January 25, 2004. (Much of the early site content was online since 2003, though, and some people were able to access it via Google… so technically Jax is correct.) I wasn’t sure I’d still be doing the site in five years, but here I am! Will Scary-Crayon still be around in 2010? Let’s hope it survives in some shape or form.

Anyway, before we break out the party hats, mea culpas on my part — I don’t have nearly as much content ready as I’d hoped to have to mark the occasion. That said, I’m going to post what we’ve got now and keep working throughout the day to get as much as I can up! I’m going to try to get at least one more article up today, two if I can, and three if I’m really good. If I only get one up, expect the second one tomorrow, with the third to follow sometime later in the week. If I get two up, expect the third to follow later in the week. And if I get all three up… I’ll be damned impressed with myself. In any case, there will be more content later in the week, so you can call this a week-long SC celebration if you like. 🙂

First things first — more haiku! With A Crayon Haiku #111 through 117 hitting today, it’s looking more and more likely that we’ll be able to break 200 by the year’s end. I mean, we’re almost to #120 and has a fifth of the year passed? Nope! Most of these haiku are self-explanatory, but let’s give Deep Dive Batman and Jax some love for being awesome. ‘Cause they both are. One is an action figure, one is a human being, but still. Awesome. Thanks for the scary lightswitch cover, Jax! And there’s also a “baby picture” of SC in there — that is, a screencap of the one of the earliest SC layouts, which I painstakingly (not really, though it did take a tiny bit of work since my old files were all over the place) restored from my old files specifically for today. Call it digitally remastered! I think things look way better today, though admittedly I’ll always have a soft spot for the drab maroon and grey. If I ever get my own residence, I’ll have to paint a room with opposing maroon and grey walls. 🙂

Aaaand back to mentions of awesome people, Mickey Glitter is back with Sarah Jane Smith Fashionista Fever! Part 4! I’m always glad to host guest articles on the site, and one of the highlights of 2008 for me and SC was having Mickey grace the site with her wit, writing skill, and curious obsession with Sarah Jane’s footwear. Thanks a bunch, Mick — here’s hoping for encore features involving “The Sarah Jane Adventures”! 😀

Alrighty, that’ll do us for now — hopefully I’ll have more in a few hours, In which case I will simply update this post. TTFN!

UPDATE: Well, that took a bit longer than expected, but here’s the review of the Courageous Righteous Bootleg Turtles. It’s still a little rough and needs to be checked for typos, but that takes time and I wanted it up now! So if you see some, mention them in the comments for bonus points or something. 😉

And now (after I get the front and content pages updated, anyway) it’s back to work to see if I can’t get another article up! Doesn’t look like it’ll be ready before midnight for those of you on the East Coast, but it just might make it for West Coasters. In any case, while these TMNT bootlegs are pretty awesome, believe me when I say that the best — and weirdest — is yet to come.

UPDATE: So I didn’t make it in time for the West Coasters, but here it is: a review of the greatest coloring book of all time. I really love this book, and I seriously feel proud to have posted this article. Is that weird? I think it’s weird. I almost never feel proud, but today’s articles have stirred those feelings in me.

Happy anniversary, Scary-Crayon. I love you, you inanimate, eldritch online chronicle of random wackiness. And you too, faithful readers! Scary-Crayon spreads love for all. <3

Except, of course, stuff that it doesn’t love.

A Crayon Haiku #108 through 110!

It’s a haiku triple-threat on this historic Inauguration Day! Perhaps Joe Biden was right about enemies moving to test President Obama, since the Legion of Doom grows stronger by the day. Be very afraid…  (1/20/09)

Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #107!

Like the kids’ song says, the Hulk is green green green… except when he’s grey. And red! In today’s comic, we visit the land of the Hulks for a closer look at Hulk interactions. Have I mentioned how much I hate BAFs?  (1/20/09)

Yep! Expect more substantial content on (or at least shortly after) Scary-Crayon’s upcoming 5th anniversary, but in the meantime we’ve got A Crayon Haiku #108-110 and Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #107. I may have finally been able to complete Grundy, but — as you can see — I’m not having much luck finding the final piece needed to complete Red Hulk! But at least he’s got that Ang Lee movie Hulk for support. 🙂

The bit with Frodo and Spike (who contains parts from two different Spike figures; neat, eh? Eh? 😉 ) stems from the fact that Frodo’s talking base only says one thing… and the one thing it says is kinda odd. Frodo not only mention Samwise by name — which might have been cooler if the base had come with a Frodo/Sam 2-pack — but also does so in this really breathy voice. Like they’re about to submit to prurience and reenact their favorite scenes from hobbit slash fanfiction right there atop Mount Doom with Gollum possibly looking on. Hey, he’s a hobbit, right? Threesome!

And now for something completely different.

In keeping with today’s historic inauguration, there’s the obligatory patriotic nod in the 110th haiku. And expect a full review of Freedom the American Eagle at some point! All proceeds from the sale of that figure went to benefit the families of 9/11 victims, which I guess means they didn’t fare too well since I got the figure on clearance for $2.99. Yay America?

See y’all next time.

THE WORST. SHOW. EVER. SRSLY.

Should you choose to click this link, you’ll find a scathing review of the worst and most vile television program I have ever seen. EVER. Also, there are screencaps, so this article probably isn’t work safe. Ugh.  (1/12/09)

A Crayon Haiku #104 through 107!

Multi-haiku madness returns with four more 5-7-5 syllable offerings! Dollar store pies, open laptop surgery, and toys, wonderful toys are among today’s featured topics. Gotta love those post-holiday clearance sales, eh?  (1/12/09)

We’re back! Didja miss us? 🙂

More Crayon Haiku this update, as today’s multipart installment features #104 through 107. I don’t have a whole lot more to say about these. The reference in the first one is to those McDonald’s apple pies (which technically cost 50 cents each, but they’re on the dollar menu), since I don’t think I’ve ever been able to eat one without burning the taste off of my tongue… which I guess means that I’ve never tasted one that wasn’t cold or reheated at home. Do they taste better fresh? I’m betting you don’t know either — those bastards are hot when they come off the… uh… heating trays? I don’t know what those things are called.

Also, I managed to replace my laptop’s fans without breaking anything, so I should be okay until something else needs replacing. And Grundy and Sinestro are here, meaning that next time we’ll add to the haiku total with the obligatory Legion of Doom update! YES! I’m still not optimistic that we’ll reach #200 by the end of the year, but #150 seems entirely possible.

Aaaand for more substantial content, there’s my review of the worst show I have ever seen. (In case you missed the warning on the content pages, the rather revolting screencaps likely make this article unsafe viewing for work.) I probably should have known what I was in for given that the Wiki entry for the entire series noted that “critically the show has been singled out for allegations of racism, misogyny, or just being wilfully puerile,” but I figured a British comedy couldn’t be that bad. I mean, a couple of my favorite comedies came out of the UK! Plus it had Shannen Doherty, and since I haven’t ordered those “Charmed” DVDs yet I needed my fix.

The show is seriously flipping awful. Also, I didn’t mention this in the article, but what I saw was apparently the fourth season of that godawful series. Delightful shows like “Pushing Daisies” are dead after two seasons — and intriguing shows like “Journeyman” perish after only one — whereas pure festering garbage like this lasts for freaking four seasons?! And in the same country that gave birth to “Doctor Who”?! Actually, “Doctor Who” has been pretty horrible lately, so maybe the UK’s doing a bit of backsliding. Things might improve once Barack Obama saves the global economy. Yes.

Also, Scary-Crayon’s anniversary is coming up on January 25, so feel free to click that donate button on the sidebar if you’ve enjoyed our content over the years! 😉 There’s also my Amazon.com wish list… and you could always submit an article! Or even a haiku, despite what I wrote in the submission guidelines. The haiku beast demands to be fed.

Until next time, Crayon fans!

SQUIRTDEVIL AIN’T MADBALLS

But given that the Madballs’ 1980s heydey saw scores of spherical pretenders to the gross-out crown, the recent appearance of the Squirtdevil is arguably an encouraging sign. And for $1 wannabes, they’re not half bad!  (1/5/09)

A Crayon Haiku #103!

In the first Crayon Haiku of 2009, guest writer Jax returns with a post-holiday comment on a fun turkey substitute for vegetarians! But then again, maybe not. Alas! Take heart, vegetarian friends — there’s always tofurkey.  (1/5/09)

Hidey-ho, Crayon readers! We hope your 2009 is off to a great start. And if it’s not, buck up — we’ve got new Scary-Crayon content for you! That just makes everything better, right?

First up, guest author Jax is back to help us start off the new year right with A Crayon Haiku #103! Thanks, Jax! I think turkeys everywhere would prefer it if people dined on Jell-O turkeys during the holidays. Horses might not like that so much, but you can’t please everyone…

And then there’s a review of the latest Madballs wannabes on the block: Squirtdevil! The Madballs must be doing well if they’ve got knockoffs appearing in Dollar Tree — and unlike the many monstrous spheres that have appeared in D-Tree over the years, these are clearly drawing at least some inspiration from those maddest of balls — so I’m quite glad to see them. I’d be less enthusiastic about them if they were direct bootlegs of the Madballs in terms of sculpt, character, and so forth, but as it is it’s not like they’re stealing hardcore from the ‘balls or trying to be much more than generic $1 monster balls that squirt water. And in that capacity, the Squirtdevil are kinda neat.

Speaking of bootlegs and knockoffs, it’s time for a site plug! Some of you may recall an online archive of bootleg toys that went by the name of Bootleg Toys: The Undiscovered Playthings. It had tons of pictures of bootleg action figures, but I remember it best for its Buffy the Vampire Slayer knockoffs — particularly the one that’s dressed like Cutie Honey. I freaking love Cutie Honey, and BTVS is probably my favorite show of all time (not counting the positively abysmal sixth and seventh seasons), so a toy that combines the two was going to make a strong impression upon me. And it’s a knockoff to boot? I find knockoffs highly entertaining, especially when they’re as unlikely as this combination. So while I didn’t remember the name of the site, per se, I remembered that it had some fantastic stuff on it.

And now, Bootleg Toys: The Undiscovered Things is back in an all-new blog format — so if you’re the kind of person who finds knockoffs to be highly entertaining (and if you aren’t, why are you here again?), you should definitely add the site to your bookmarks. I fully plan to add it to the sidebar whenever I get around to updating that links block, but don’t wait for that — go now! You do want to learn about zany merch like the Hero Chariot and Space Jam bootlegs, don’t you?

And now, some genuine Madballs news! First, I’ve updated the Madballs stickers article with a note containing the official names of those ‘balls. Thanks to Madballs Central for plugging that piece! Speaking of Madballs Central, it’s always a great place to go for Madballs updates and images… like new drawings of the Series 3 Madballs. Awesome! That said, the most interesting news might concern the new Madballs video game that’s due to hit this summer. I’m not sure what to make of it at this point — it looks to be some kind of action shooter and as far as I can tell only stars two of the Madballs — but I’m looking forward to learning more. And if you’re into Madballs games, there’s also a Flash game on Madballs.com that you can play. I don’t really understand it, so don’t ask me for tips!

Personally, I’d like to see a Madballs platform-RPG type game. A platform game would make for lots of appropriate bouncing — and with an abundance of RPG dialogue, there would be almost unlimited potential for terrible puns! If I knew anything about game creation (and had the time), I’d make a fangame along those lines myself. 🙂

Oh, and finally, while I don’t plan to give the site a total makeover for some time — even several years later, I’m still quite enamored with the way things look right now! — I have done some minor behind-the-scenes tweaks. Now, if you execute a search, the document title will acknowledge that instead of giving you a generic category listing. I’ve also updated the shadowbox references for some of the more recent toy articles and added them to certain pieces, like the Madballs Series 2 review and Tresob Yr’s guest review of the unlicensed Metroplex Kabaya kit. None of these things make a huge difference, but… yes.

Okey-doke, all for now! Please do comment on today’s features, and let me know if Series 2 Madballs are more plentiful in your area! And if they are, let me know if they’ve painted Wolf Breath brown for his official release, since he appears red in the few eBay auctions yet brown in the Nickelodeon commercial and the Basic Fun store. And once again, don’t forget to visit the revived Bootleg Toys: The Undiscovered Things! Tell Joe that Wes of Scary-Crayon sent you.

Until next time, then! Best wishes for 2009, everyone.