And now, Scary-Crayon presents...
A Random Lunch
by: Wes

The components of a Random Lunch. We've asked this question before. Perhaps, in a sense, we ask it during each and every installment of this classic Scary-Crayon feature -- and I don't just mean because we often look at the results and exclaim, "What the hell is that?!" Various action figures ponder the legitimacy of the feature's title, seeing as how an action arguably ceases to be random when it has been repeated multiple times with only slight -- but calculated -- modifications. We wonder how random the experiments really are when each step is orchestrated, arranged, implemented, and photographed for the entertainment and disgust of the viewing public. They are admittedly filmed at all times of the day -- even today's installment was begun at approximately 8:27 PM -- which, given the culture in which they were created, would suggest that some of them would more properly be called Random Breakfasts or Random Suppers or Random Sizeable In-Between-Meal Snacks. But roughly ten months have passed since the last episode of A Random Lunch, so let us ask the question once more: What exactly is a Random Lunch?

To be sure, the vast majority of Scary-Crayon's culinary creations have featured bizarre, unholy combinations of various ingredients. We've made canned strawberry and egg omelettes and fried fish and glazed donut sandwiches. We've combined seafood, squash, and pretzels to create a strange microwaveable casserole. We've even mixed peanut butter, oatmeal, and liquor. But none of these articles have been Random Lunches. Believe it or not, all of these experiments were more or less planned, whether because they were repeats of another theme on Scary-Crayon or because they were inspired by various pop culture references. Several official Random Lunches fit this bill as well -- namely, the ones that are comics, which is actually the vast majority of them, but still -- but otherwise there is a certain legitimate element of randomness that determines which ingredients will go into a given dish. For example, consider today's ingredients. I opened a can of creamed corn the other day and needed to do something with the rest of it, so I decided to make it the base of this random concoction. The Jennie O Turkey Franks aren't stale yet, but they'd likely grow fuzzy mold and slither out of the package like big fat claymation earthworms in a creepy gothic playhouse refrigerator before I got around to eating them unless I made a concentrated effort to use them in various dishes. The Giant brand croutons? Very stale, seeing as how they expired in December 2005 -- and while croutons arguably get better when they're just a little stale, at this point they're so decidedly stale in taste that even Bacardi the dog won't touch them. He will, however, flip the fuck out for cheese, as seen in this exciting 320KB clip. Hence the slightly less than whole appearance of the cheese in this photo, though I did supplement the dish with another half-slice of cheese that I shared with the dog. Bacardi sure loves his cheese. And I just like mayonnaise, which is why it's here. Sure, there's a governing principle -- the need to get rid of things without throwing them away (tossing food makes me think of starving children :() -- but I certainly did not plan to be choking down stale croutons over a year later when I bought them during one of my breaks at the bookstore. Ah, how time flies when you're... suffering.

Oh boy.Mmm... creamed corn-turkey frank-mayo-garlic-blahbleuhblahblah-y!

Anyway, there wasn't anything terribly elaborate about the cooking process for this one, considering that no frying was necessary and all of the ingredients were already in ready-to-eat condition. I just tossed the cheese, a tablespoon of mayonnaise, a couple handfuls of croutons, and 1.5 turkey franks cut into pieces into the bowl of creamed corn -- along with some salt and pepper for seasoning -- and microwaved the contents for 2:21. Afterwards, I stirred and added garlic powder, seasoned salt, and a teaspoon of pesto to further enhance the flavor. Another trip to the microwave, more stirring, five more minutes in the microwave with the machine set to "hold warm" while I did some other stuff, and at last we ended up with what you see above. Looks delicious, yes?

The Verdict:

delish~

I'm guessing you looked at the photo above and did not answer my question in the affirmative. Well, you were wrong not to do so. I'm not sure that it should be so terribly surprising, seeing as how none of the ingredients themselves were terribly offensive -- even the stale croutons weren't as bad as, say, other stale things we've stomached on the site, and their unpleasantness was completely obliterated in the final product -- but the Cheesy Italian Corn Soup with Turkey Frank Chunks really was quite good for something that I'd probably never go out of my way to make again. Admittedly, however, it's kinda hard to describe the flavor. Despite their prevalence in the mixture, the turkey frank bits refused to cooperate with the other ingredients and retained their flavor in isolation, so the real difficulty is pinning down what the corn, cheese, mayo, and seasonings tasted like in combination -- and really, I haven't got much of a point of reference for that. Seeing as how the Japanese eat pizzas topped with corn and mayonnaise (and even hot dogs, for that matter), I'd guess that it tasted something like what you'd get if you peeled the cheese and toppings off of one of those pies and tossed 'em in a blender. It was also vaguely reminiscent of corn chowder, but even that comparison represents something of a stretch.

Like the vast majority of the Random Lunches, it wasn't so great that I'd recommend planning to make it unless you're throwing a party and want to freak out your friends with something that looks like Southern picnic vomit but doesn't taste all that bad, but Cheesy Italian Corn Soup with Turkey Frank Chunks was definitely one of the better (and easier to make) haphazard concoctions that we've created on Scary-Crayon. In fact, the worst part about the meal was that I had the poor judgment to eat it while watching this movie in which a dead woman peeled off a piece of her putrefying flesh and slipped it into a bowl of tapioca pudding before proceeding to puke all over her daughter-in-law. Yeah, that scene would've been stomach-turning anyway, but the appearance of my lunch didn't exactly help. On the other hand, if we ever need inoffensive-tasting upchuck for an indie film or a gross-out zombie party, we've got the perfect recipe! Seconds, anyone? :D

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