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Sorry I don’t have a more involved update, but here’s a blog entry to wish y’all a happy Halloween. 🙂 It’s about 6:30 PM as I begin writing this post, and the trick-or-treaters are out in full force! This is good, because I’ve got plenty of candy that I don’t want to have to eat come tomorrow.
See, every year, I make it a point to buy the nastiest candy I can find to give to trick-or-treaters. Okay, that’s not entirely true — I don’t try to give them nasty candy, but that’s generally how it works out. This tradition began one year when the local KING OF DOLLAR STORES (from which I get all of my review fodder) was fairly new. The Halloween season was upon us, and the store started carrying some festive Oreo cookie knockoffs with orange icing. I like Oreos, I like orange things, and I like HALLOWEEN, so it seemed like a good buy. Hurrah! Then I tried to eat one and it tasted like a block of chalk in between two dust bunnies. On top of that, they had the density of cement.
Naturally, I couldn’t bring myself to stomach the rest — but luckily for me, the cookies were sealed two to a pouch — perfect for giving to trick-or-treaters! And for some reason, giving those poor kids inedibly disgusting faux Oreos put a smile on my face and a song in my heart. What I would have given to see the looks on their faces as they bit into those tiny mausoleum-flavored bricks.
Ever since, I’ve set out to buy candy from the dollar store — not really intending to give the kiddies confectionary nastiness, but secretly hoping that I will indeed end up with treats that are somewhat less than delectable. AND BOY DID I SUCCEED THIS YEAR! You’d think it’d be hard to go wrong with Marvel superhero-themed “candy sticks” and Pixy Stix knockoffs, but oh how wrong you would be. I don’t even know what to call the Marvel offerings — they’re like hardened Pixy Stix cousins with a touch of peppermint flavor. And dust, because almost all dollar store candy has a dusty aftertaste. I don’t understand it.
As for the actual Pixy Stix knockoffs — NEON LASERS, as they are called — they’re even worse. See, unlike Pixy Stix and their convenient tear-off paper packaging, these things are encased inside plastic, such that if you want to get at the candy within you’re going to have to break out a pair of scissors. Only it’s not that easy, because if the sugary stuff inside ever contained the fluidity of Pixy Stix (how many times am I going to type that?), they certainly do not now. Instead, they’ve got the consistency of wet sand about fifteen minutes after the tide on a hot day, which means they’re not sodden, but they’re packed enough to stay put when you turn the straw upside down and shake for dear life. No, my chickadees, if you want this candy you’re going to have to take those scissors and cut the entire straw open — lengthwise. And then, after all of that work, you end up with a pile of pink crystals that tastes like dirt. Literally. There’s no dusty aftertaste, but is there really that much difference between dust and dirt? It’s a rhetorical question — ponder it at your leisure.
I did toss in some Smarties and lollipops, though, along with some Cry Baby sour gumballs that are pretty good if you like sour things and gum. See, I’m not a total asshole.
Besides, I get as good as I give — I saw these Nerds wannabe candies and couldn’t resist getting them for myself. Predictably, they taste like Nerds! Nerds covered with dust.
And finally, this isn’t candy, but a pair of Goofy BUG EYEZ Wild & Wacky glasses — the glasses that claim to make you see like a bug! Admittedly, I’d kind of hoped to add these to my regular wardrobe (in addition to using them in conjunction with one of my dad’s old lab coats for a half-assed Baxter Stockman costume), but wearing them gives me a terrible headache for two reasons. One, I didn’t take into account the specs on the card. These things are for ages 4+ — and while I suppose I would fall into the plus category, they also boast a size of 6.5 x 7. Now, I’m not entirely sure what that means in terms of glasses, but I do know that it means these things squeezed the living fuck out of my skull when I put them on. Not a pleasant feeling, but now I know to stay on Zangief’s good side if we ever meet in person. Plus, when I took them off, they were so tight that the seams on the bottom of the plastic temples slashed my ears. Van Gogh wasn’t mad — he just happened to acquire a pair of Bug Eyez glasses by way of some temporal displacement fluke.
The second reason has to do with the glasses’ function — to make you see like a bug. And now I know why bugs’ flight appears to be aimless and haphazard and why they happen to rest on really bright lights that must be more blinding than a full-strength TAIYOKEN to them. You see, bugs can’t see shit, and what shit they can see makes them super dizzy. So I guess they don’t want to see anything.
And that’s all for this Halloween post — and for the candy giveaway, as I have successfully unloaded my inventory of nasty candy on the unsuspecting trick-or-treaters while saving handfuls of Smarties and lollipops for myself. Until next time, then! Goodnight out there… whatever you are. 😉
