The Experimental OYSTER LOAF!

Reputed to be an aphrodisiac, oysters are sought after for both their delectable taste and their purported ability to make limp things hard. Which has nothing to do with why we want to make OYSTER LOAF, but still.  (7/28/05)

Hey folks! I’m rushing to get this up before I run to work so I can’t say much, but here’s that new food piece I promised — The Experimental OYSTER LOAF! Leave a comment, lemme know what you think… and don’t be afraid to submit your own suggestions. I think I’m gonna try to make more oyster loaves in the future using a variety of different techniques. I’ve been bitten by the oyster loaf bug! OYSTER LOAF!!!!!!

Oh yeah, and feel free to read and add stuff to the previous blog entry if you want. But first, dig into some OYSTER LOAF! Okay, gotta go. Ja!

Hey folks — sorry for the slight delay regarding the next article! Not only have I been kinda busy and exhausted lately, but I thought I’d leave the Harry Potter feature in the top spot a little longer to ensure that it gets the maximum opening exposure. Should have a new food experiment piece up for you tomorrow, though, so keep an eye out for that.

Regarding the HP piece — I was pleasantly surprised to return from da big city to find voices of agreement and even something of a discussion taking place in the previous blog entry‘s comments section! As far as I’ve been able to discern from the site logs, most of the other opinions folks have had on the article haven’t been very kind (though no one’s ventured to send me any hate mail yet :(), so the concurrent thoughts and additional insights were greatly appreciated. Everyone had something worthwhile to add, which was pretty cool! Thanks, peeps. 🙂 (more…)

FUCK YOU, HARRY POTTER.

Last weekend, folks across the globe rushed out to buy the latest Harry Potter book with reckless abandon. At Scary-Crayon, however, we did nothing of the sort! ‘Cause you know what we say? Fuck Harry Potter.  (7/22/05)

New print article — a lengthy rant about how J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series is hardly worth the excessive praise and fervent devotion it receives from millions of zombified admirers all over the world. Fuck Harry Potter. This piece has it all — a mini Hot Flash style comic, mini-reviews of other books, anecdotes from my time spent working at the bookstore — even some more sophisticated literary and social criticism. And if you’ve got anything to add — agreements, disagreements, expositions on certain plot points that may contradict certain arguments voiced in the piece (because, admittedly, I haven’t read any of the books save the first one, though I have seen the fucking boring films that never fail to put me to sleep), etc. — that’s what the comment form is for.

This article is dedicated to all of the people who, like me, dislike the Potter books but are nonetheless forced to live in a world where their influence, at times, seems all but limitless. La Resistance lives on, my friends.

BATMAN: JUSTICE UNBALANCED!!!

Look out! Two-Face and Penguin are on the move, and it’s up to Batman and Robin to stop them! But how does this educational PC adventure fare? Find out as Scary-Crayon reviews BATMAN: Justice Unbalanced!  (7/18/05)

…rely on the Batman! In this latest Scary-Crayon game review, we check out BATMAN: Justice Unbalanced, an educational Batman adventure designed to help children ages 7-10 learn valuable problem-solving skills and in which not a single punch is thrown. You may scoff, but I think it’s pretty cool that the game teaches kids to use their wits instead of their fists to outwit enemies. I mean, what was Batman really teaching kids anyway? That to get what you want, you need to dangle people weaker than you off of buildings, that’s what! Batman was a bully. 🙁

And if you’re wondering why I actually bought this game — as I say multiple times in the review, as if purchasing a game about Batman, educational or otherwise, requires any justification whatsoever — it was $2. ‘Nuff said.

I guess stuff like this will appear in the blog from time to time, too.

By the way, regarding the previous entry, it occurs to me that Robb Armstrong probably isn’t a bad guy — he just draws a really shitty and unfunny comic. So I probably wouldn’t shiv him if I met him on the street. Breaking his fingers would probably be doing the world a favor, though.

This from the guy who’d make Supergirl porn!

Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #47!

If you read the funnies, perhaps you’ve seen the comic strip Jump Start — in which, for the past two or so weeks, the antics of two talking unborn twins have been featured. And you know what? It’s not fucking funny.  (7/14/05)

Hidey ho, neighbors, and welcome back to Scary-Crayon! Today, for your viewing pleasure, we’ve got Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #47 — an attack of sorts on the newspaper comic strip Jump Start. ‘Cause you know what? I fucking hate that comic. It’s like a cross between Blondie and Andy Capp only entirely lacking any of the qualities that made either of those comics even remotely charming. And yeah, it’s not the only unfunny comic in the paper, but most of the worst ones — like Marmaduke and Family Circus, for example, which I think is fucking stupid too — are at least mainstays and can at least claim traditional status.

Honestly, the only reason I can think of that that comic would have been printed at all is because OMG IT FEATURES CHARACTERS OF COLOR, hence the joke in today’s Hot Flash. Jump Start certainly does “diversify” my morning funnies reading experience, though, because it ensures that the giggles induced by Pearls Before Swine are followed by groans and a desire to dip the comics page in a flour and water paste and, having fashioned a makeshift paper mache shiv, seek out Robb Armstrong (the creator of the comic) and stab the holy bejeezus out of him, because murdering him in this manner is the only way I’d derive the slightest modicum of enjoyment from his terrible strip.

And thus ends my psychotic rant! See y’all next time, minna-san.

Tales of Seduction by U-Jin, Part 1!

Wanna see teenage girls fucked by a creepy songwriter? You’re in luck! Enter U-Jin’s Tales of Seduction, the first of a three-part SC review! WARNING: This article may not be entirely work-safe! Read at your own risk.  (7/11/05)

It’s been a while since we had a full Spectare summary and review, so here goes — the first of a special three-part Tales of Seduction by U-Jin extravaganza! Naturally, given that this is a hentai review, viewer discretion is advised. You could probably get away with viewing it at work (as far as graphic content goes, there’s only an exposed breast or two), but I have to say that so you can’t blame me if your boss fires you for reading about creepy and perverted songwriters who stalk little girls and fly into murderous rages at the sight of certain overweight women. Yep. And if you think that’s bad, stick around for the second and third parts… ’cause believe it or not, it gets worse.

By the way, it occurs to me that you could keep abreast (a-breast! ha ha!) of updates to Scary-Crayon by subscribing to the blog’s RSS feed! Just a suggestion, yanno. 😉

Seeya next time, minna-san! As always, comments are encouraged. Ja!

Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #46!

George A. Romero’s Land of the Dead recently hit the theaters — and if you haven’t seen it, you should definitely go do that! But riddle me this, Batman: Why is the hottest woman in the movie… a zombie? Seriously!  (7/8/05)

So with Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #46 I wanted to do something related to George A. Romero’s Land of the Dead (f’n great, go watch it) — and given that when I wasn’t pondering the meaning of the allegorical elements on screen I was saying to myself, “Goddamnit, why is that zombie hot!?!?” I guess this just kinda came out. And oddly enough, when I went to IMDb to snag the direct link to the film’s info page, I saw that the actress who played zombie Number 9, Jennifer Baxter, is currently enjoying front page publicity! And apparently she’s also in Dark Water with the lovely Jennifer Connelly… which means I may have to go see that too. Hmmm…

Anyway, speaking of Romero’s Land, I recently wrote a guest opinion of it alongside Malicious Bitch (I’m not insulting her; that’s the name of the site!) film critic Becky in a special She Said/He Said review, so feel free to check that out as well! Stick around to read the other reviews in Becky’s A Fool’s Gesture column while you’re at it — and if anyone asks, tell ’em Scary-Crayon sent ya. 😉

So — if you’ve got any comments about Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #46 or Land or zombie/horror films in general, you know what to do!

Next year, anyway, because today’s holiday has come and just about gone — but that doesn’t mean you can’t still read about dollar store turkey franks and snack cakes! And really, who needs Independence Day for celebration, anyway? I mean, if the holiday is supposed to symbolize our liberation from jolly old England, why should our festive joy remain bound to the observance of a mere calendar day? Eat turkey franks every day, by gum! Little Debbie cakes for breakfast! The revolution had better be televised, ’cause I’m not moving from my couch and I’ll miss that shit if they don’t put it on the tube and I’d rather watch a DVD anyway!

Er… yeah. Hope you had a happy holiday, everyone! Seeya next time. 🙂

JULY 4th, SCARY-CRAYON STYLE!

Yep, Scary-Crayon’s here in the final minutes of July 4th with its own holiday tribute — basically an article about the foods with which we marked the day. Nothing special, but it does involve dollar store turkey franks.  (7/4/05)

I’m pretty sure I started talking about this thing a year ago, but THE SCARY-CRAYON BLOG is finally open. Hurrah! So let’s talk a bit about what we’ve got here and what to expect.

Foremost, after successfully running the program on my personal domain and growing to lurve it, the SC blog is powered by WordPress (currently version 1.5.1.3; additional technical info can be found in the box at the bottom of the sidebar at right). Also, given that this is the first blog post, you may be wondering where all of these other posts came from! Remember the Site Talk block that used to adorn the content pages? I actually saved every blurb ever written in there, so now that old text has been chronicled in the archives of the new blog. Not that anything truly substantial got mentioned there, but if you’re looking for something in one of those old posts, feel free to use the search bar at right to find it.

Psst! Didja catch that? There’s a search bar! (more…)