BATMAN’S DAD WAS AN ASSHOLE.

Everyone’s always pretended that Thomas Wayne was a great man — but, in truth, the guy was an asshole. He beat his son; he beat his wife; he tried to beat those crooks but they shot him first. He got what he deserved. (9/13/05)

CHOCOLATE COVERED CRICKETS.

That’s right, folks — courtesy of Fluker Farm, Scary-Crayon delves further into the realm of distastefulness to review chocolate covered crickets. Wanna know the nutritional value of a single oven-roasted cricket? Read on.  (9/8/05)

A Crayon Haiku #33!

It’s been a while, but the wait is over — Scary-Crayon’s longest running featurette returns from summer vacation with A Crayon Haiku #33! Here, we meet “Geneshaft”‘s Mir Lotus: “The person with perfect DNA.”  (9/5/05)

I’d rather watch EL OJO ROJO!!!

Wes Craven’s Red Eye debuted last weekend to pretty good reviews from a number of credible sources, but I’m not going to see it because the teaser trailer fucking lied to me. The movie I wanted to see? El Ojo Rojo.  (8/27/05)

WELCOME TO CRAYONCON!!!

So we missed out on the annual local anime convention this week, but to fill the void we started our own fun-filled fest: CRAYONCON! Join us as we get drunk, enjoy faux sashimi, review anime-related food items.  (8/22/05)

Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #50!

I dunno how funny Bruce Bruce is when he’s not making lame jokes about how much he likes fried chicken, but these new Popeye’s ads are fucking terrible. Someone should be shot for writing this material.  (8/22/05)

MARGARITA CHICKEN …IN A BUN!!!

THEY’RE BACK!!! Scary-Crayon continues its mad quest to review the manifold varieties of Forkless Gourmet Bun Meals in this brief assessment of their Margarita Chicken offering. Also featuring NINJA BOBBLEHEAD!  (8/15/05)

Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #49!

At work, one of the questions I’ve heard quite a bit lately is “How do I get to the second floor?” Seriously! So read on to learn the answer to that very question in this latest Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash installment.  (8/15/05)

FANTASTIC FOUR Z CARDZ!

In this late movie tie-in, Scary-Crayon reviews Fantastic Four Z Cardz — the cardz that turn into 3-D models! And they kinda suck, but what do you expect for thirty cents? Also included: A bonus comic-style adventure!  (8/8/05)

Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #48!

There are so many things wrong with this comic. Created by ST@N from two earlier pieces, Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #48 sees the return of Clara the pregnant vegetable and the Feaster Bunny. It’s too bloody much.  (8/8/05)

Tales of Seduction by U-Jin, Part 2!

In part two of our Tales of Seduction by U-Jin review, we meet Toyama no Benbei, the smoothest hired rapist ever! WARNING: This piece may not be work-safe! There’s no graphic nudity, but there are questionable ethics!  (8/2/05)

The Experimental OYSTER LOAF!

Reputed to be an aphrodisiac, oysters are sought after for both their delectable taste and their purported ability to make limp things hard. Which has nothing to do with why we want to make OYSTER LOAF, but still.  (7/28/05)

FUCK YOU, HARRY POTTER.

Last weekend, folks across the globe rushed out to buy the latest Harry Potter book with reckless abandon. At Scary-Crayon, however, we did nothing of the sort! ‘Cause you know what we say? Fuck Harry Potter.  (7/22/05)

BATMAN: JUSTICE UNBALANCED!!!

Look out! Two-Face and Penguin are on the move, and it’s up to Batman and Robin to stop them! But how does this educational PC adventure fare? Find out as Scary-Crayon reviews BATMAN: Justice Unbalanced!  (7/18/05)

Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #47!

If you read the funnies, perhaps you’ve seen the comic strip Jump Start — in which, for the past two or so weeks, the antics of two talking unborn twins have been featured. And you know what? It’s not fucking funny.  (7/14/05)

Tales of Seduction by U-Jin, Part 1!

Wanna see teenage girls fucked by a creepy songwriter? You’re in luck! Enter U-Jin’s Tales of Seduction, the first of a three-part SC review! WARNING: This article may not be entirely work-safe! Read at your own risk.  (7/11/05)

Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #46!

George A. Romero’s Land of the Dead recently hit the theaters — and if you haven’t seen it, you should definitely go do that! But riddle me this, Batman: Why is the hottest woman in the movie… a zombie? Seriously!  (7/8/05)

JULY 4th, SCARY-CRAYON STYLE!

Yep, Scary-Crayon’s here in the final minutes of July 4th with its own holiday tribute — basically an article about the foods with which we marked the day. Nothing special, but it does involve dollar store turkey franks.  (7/4/05)