Hey folks — not a lot to add tonight, but the title of the article says it all: Thomas Wayne was an asshole. My list is hardly exhaustive, so feel free to add any other reasons you come up with. Ja ne.

Greetings, crayon fans! It’s time for another Foodstuffs review — this one of Fluker Farm’s Chocolate Covered Crickets. I think this review turned out a lot better than I expected, mostly because of the luck of the draw — I’ve seen, broken apart, and eaten chocolate covered crickets before, but none of them were quite as hideously photogenic as the candy used for this piece. Squeamish readers beware.

Also, as you’ll see, there’s a URL on the button — that’ll take you to the Fluker Farm website, where you can see that they’ve got a host of bug-related wares for fishing, feed, and whatever the hell else people do that requires the use of living and/or dead insects. Feel free to poke around the site even if you’re not in the market for crickets and mealworms, though, as some of the stuff on there is downright weird — not the least of which being that, if the photos on the staff page are legit, at least two of the women working for the company are pretty damned hot. There’s also shit like geckos with sunglasses and humanoid lizard creatures playing poker. Yep.

Seeya next time, minna-san. 🙂

So I’m back. Can’t say the trip went all that well — and I’m bloody exhausted and will probably need a few more days to recover, ugh — but eh, it’s done and it’s left me with some more things to think about, so that’s good I guess. Anyway, you’re not here to read about my exploits — you’re here for SCARY-CRAYON WACKINESS — so let’s get on with that! Today’s quick update marks the return of a SC featurette that’s been awol for the summer: A Crayon Haiku #33. Gotta love that wacky Japan.

Fun fact: The very first Crayon Haiku was one of SC’s debut pieces back on January 25, 2004! Someday knowing that tidbit is going to win someone a nice chunk of cash in Jeopardy’s “Obscure Entertainment Websites” category. Hell, it might even be the answer to a Daily Double. 😉

And for those of you who didn’t get enough of the immortal Penelope Cruz in our writeup of El Ojo Rojo, here’s another pic. There’s more where that came from! Ja!

Hey all — sorry for the paucity of updates as of late. I dunno if you were aware of it (I try to relegate discussion of that sort of thing to my personal blog), but I’ve been making plans for a big out-of-state move, and I’ve basically been going crazy with that and haven’t had much time to write wacky zaniness for the site. Apologies! Hopefully I’ll make up for it with not one but TWO articles this weekend. Okay, that might be pushing it, but I’m gonna try my best. 🙂

In the meantime, here’s the note I left on the broken copying machine at work a couple of weeks back. I’m so silly. 😉

Anyway, hope y’all have been well and continue to be so in my absence. And if you’re hankerin’ for more SC goodness, there are always older pieces in the section archives! Ja ne, minna-san!

Don’t you hate it when a teaser trailer makes you think a film is about something much cooler than its actual subject matter? I sure do — and that’s why I’m not going to see Wes Craven‘s Red Eye. Why bother, when the flick playing in my head — El Ojo Rojo — is so much cooler? Imagination makes it happen.

On an unrelated note, a bit of good news — my letter about the stupid panda names was printed in yesterday’s edition of the Washington Post Express! It’s not much, but it’s my first printed clip aside from student publications and Internet fare, so there. Break out the champagne. 😛

Alas, I can’t take credit for the titular reference to Gwyneth Paltrow’s brood, but the rest of the letter appears in more/less unedited form — I had a parenthetical “Eeeeyy!!” that followed the mention of FONZ (Friends of the National Zoo), but that’s about the only change. Sweet!

Anyway, check out El Ojo Rojo! And we’ll see you next time. 🙂

Hey there, crayon fans! Hope y’all had a great weekend. I meant to post something new on Saturday, but then I had a brilliant idea and decided to save the update for later. My idea? CRAYONCON!!! See, Otakon was this weekend, and since I didn’t go for the first time since 1998 I decided to make up for it by holding my own little anime-themed culinary festival of sorts! I’m acting like it’s a big deal, but really it’s just an extended Foodstuffs article. You’ll humor me, won’t you? Oh yeah, the fourth and final Forkless Gourmet Bun Meal review is contained in there as well — so if you care at all about that, be sure to read to the end of the piece. 🙂

And then, in Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #50, I parody the recent wave of Popeye’s Chicken commercials featuring comedian Bruce Bruce. You won’t find the comic funny if you haven’t seen the ads, but… hell, you probably won’t find it funny even if you have seen the ads, ’cause they play out pretty much exactly the way I’ve laid it out and there’s nothing funny about them. I’m starting to think that maybe I’m missing the joke, though — we’re not supposed to find what he says funny, but rather we’re supposed to be laughing at the fact that this 400 lb. “black” dude is telling jokes about how much he loves him some fried chicken. Now, that’s not my primary issue with the ads — I just don’t think they’re funny at all, and the fact that Bruce Bruce is grossly overweight adds an element of “WTF?” to the commercials — but if you read the guestbook on Bruce Bruce’s website, a lot of people have seriously taken issue with the ads on those grounds. And I dunno, maybe they have a point, especially given the nature of some of the jokes. While the jokes about his car automatically swerving towards Popeye’s and the one about him seeing his aunt naked and not eating for a month are just dumb (what, does the car eat Popeye’s too? and regarding the second joke, maybe he should see his aunt naked more often), the one about his mother hitting him because he prefers Popeye’s chicken to hers is really weird and, moreover, does support the stereotype that “black” parents are inclined to beat their children for stupid reasons. That’s not cool.

As always, feel free to share your thoughts and comments on either piece. Take care until next time, minna-san!

Hey all. I was hoping to have a new article up for you tonight, but then I accidentally knocked over my Kool-Aid cup of Cocoa Krispies chocolatized milk and spent the next two hours cleaning that mess. I think I’ve gotten most of it, but I’m still finding patches of stickiness in unlikely places — my monitor, my headphones, my windowsill, etc. It’s like cleaning up after a bukkake shoot. Ugh.

So anyway, in lieu of a new article — for those of you who actually read the blog! — here’s a beatnik poem about chocolate milk. You supply the beat.

I want
you know I want
to spill choc-o-late milk
allllllllllll o-ver

you

I want the brown
stick-y flu-id
to seep in-to
your ev’ry crevice
and then

I want

(pause to nod to the band and wink at the audience)

to flip you up-side down
and pry apart your folds
and clean
that sweet, choc-o-late-y good-ness
from your body

with my wet pa-per towels

of love

Thank you, thank you. Barring another unforseen accident, I hope to have a new article for you tomorrow. Ja ne.

Has it been a full week since the last review? My sincerest apologies! Hopefully you haven’t been too bored in the interim. Anyway, today we’ve got two new pieces for you. First, a brief review of Forkless Gourmet’s Margarita Chicken Bun Meal. I’ve about exhausted all there is to say about the things in a general sense, so I hope you won’t find the remaining Bun Meal review(s) to be too tedious! There’s at least one more scheduled.

And then there’s Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #49! Nowhere near the wrong wrong wrongness of ST@N’s 48th installment, this latest comic brings us back to a work environment — not counting the drawings in the Shit-Sniffers article, it’s the first SC comic based on my experiences working at the community college. How does one get to the second floor? Gee, I wonder! I respond politely and with a smile, but seriously, that’s got to be one of the dumbest questions ever. What makes it worse is that the information window isn’t that far into the building — it’s like people walk in and see that there’s a second level but don’t immediately see stairs and start flipping out because they know they’ve got to get up there but they have no idea how they’re supposed to accomplish that task! As if they’d build a building with no way of accessing the second level. Bloody hell, minna-san, bloody hell.

Okay, I’m done. Seeya next time!

Hey all — couple of new pieces for you this Monday. First, to capitalize on the more/less current film release, we’ve got a review of Fantastic Four Z Cardz! There’s really not a lot to say about these “cardz that turn into 3-D models” (not that that stops us from rambling on a bit, mind you!), but at least now I can say I punched out the Thing! Ha ha! I’m so tough. 😉 And then the article caps off with a quick comic adventure starring the fantastic fruit of my card punchin’ labor. w00t.

And then there’s Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #48, a guest comic by ST@N! It’s probably the sickest thing on the site, as ST@N’s taken characters from two of the more controversial Hot Flashes — #26 and the Easter edition — and put them in the same room. Now, it’s not all that gory or visually disgusting, but the implications are just… wrong. And again, it’s a guest comic, so if you’re offended, grossed-out, etc. etc. — direct your correspondence to ST@N. 🙂

All for now — catch you next time, folks!

Cover your keyboards, folks, ’cause it’s about to get sticky as we at Scary-Crayon present the second installment of our Tales of Seduction by U-Jin review! In “When a Virgin Steals a Man”, we learn why one should never pretend to be a virgin in order to steal another woman’s fiance — because apparently, at least in hentai, that’s the worst thing that a woman can do. Ever. Enjoy!

In the final installment — whenever that goes up! — we’ll once again join the mysterious Toyama no Benbei for a final adventure in U-Jin’s famed ero-ero world. See you then! But in the meantime, if you missed the first part of the review, be sure to check that out as well. 🙂

Hey folks! I’m rushing to get this up before I run to work so I can’t say much, but here’s that new food piece I promised — The Experimental OYSTER LOAF! Leave a comment, lemme know what you think… and don’t be afraid to submit your own suggestions. I think I’m gonna try to make more oyster loaves in the future using a variety of different techniques. I’ve been bitten by the oyster loaf bug! OYSTER LOAF!!!!!!

Oh yeah, and feel free to read and add stuff to the previous blog entry if you want. But first, dig into some OYSTER LOAF! Okay, gotta go. Ja!

Hey folks — sorry for the slight delay regarding the next article! Not only have I been kinda busy and exhausted lately, but I thought I’d leave the Harry Potter feature in the top spot a little longer to ensure that it gets the maximum opening exposure. Should have a new food experiment piece up for you tomorrow, though, so keep an eye out for that.

Regarding the HP piece — I was pleasantly surprised to return from da big city to find voices of agreement and even something of a discussion taking place in the previous blog entry‘s comments section! As far as I’ve been able to discern from the site logs, most of the other opinions folks have had on the article haven’t been very kind (though no one’s ventured to send me any hate mail yet :(), so the concurrent thoughts and additional insights were greatly appreciated. Everyone had something worthwhile to add, which was pretty cool! Thanks, peeps. 🙂 (more…)

New print article — a lengthy rant about how J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series is hardly worth the excessive praise and fervent devotion it receives from millions of zombified admirers all over the world. Fuck Harry Potter. This piece has it all — a mini Hot Flash style comic, mini-reviews of other books, anecdotes from my time spent working at the bookstore — even some more sophisticated literary and social criticism. And if you’ve got anything to add — agreements, disagreements, expositions on certain plot points that may contradict certain arguments voiced in the piece (because, admittedly, I haven’t read any of the books save the first one, though I have seen the fucking boring films that never fail to put me to sleep), etc. — that’s what the comment form is for.

This article is dedicated to all of the people who, like me, dislike the Potter books but are nonetheless forced to live in a world where their influence, at times, seems all but limitless. La Resistance lives on, my friends.

…rely on the Batman! In this latest Scary-Crayon game review, we check out BATMAN: Justice Unbalanced, an educational Batman adventure designed to help children ages 7-10 learn valuable problem-solving skills and in which not a single punch is thrown. You may scoff, but I think it’s pretty cool that the game teaches kids to use their wits instead of their fists to outwit enemies. I mean, what was Batman really teaching kids anyway? That to get what you want, you need to dangle people weaker than you off of buildings, that’s what! Batman was a bully. 🙁

And if you’re wondering why I actually bought this game — as I say multiple times in the review, as if purchasing a game about Batman, educational or otherwise, requires any justification whatsoever — it was $2. ‘Nuff said.

I guess stuff like this will appear in the blog from time to time, too.

By the way, regarding the previous entry, it occurs to me that Robb Armstrong probably isn’t a bad guy — he just draws a really shitty and unfunny comic. So I probably wouldn’t shiv him if I met him on the street. Breaking his fingers would probably be doing the world a favor, though.

This from the guy who’d make Supergirl porn!

Hidey ho, neighbors, and welcome back to Scary-Crayon! Today, for your viewing pleasure, we’ve got Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #47 — an attack of sorts on the newspaper comic strip Jump Start. ‘Cause you know what? I fucking hate that comic. It’s like a cross between Blondie and Andy Capp only entirely lacking any of the qualities that made either of those comics even remotely charming. And yeah, it’s not the only unfunny comic in the paper, but most of the worst ones — like Marmaduke and Family Circus, for example, which I think is fucking stupid too — are at least mainstays and can at least claim traditional status.

Honestly, the only reason I can think of that that comic would have been printed at all is because OMG IT FEATURES CHARACTERS OF COLOR, hence the joke in today’s Hot Flash. Jump Start certainly does “diversify” my morning funnies reading experience, though, because it ensures that the giggles induced by Pearls Before Swine are followed by groans and a desire to dip the comics page in a flour and water paste and, having fashioned a makeshift paper mache shiv, seek out Robb Armstrong (the creator of the comic) and stab the holy bejeezus out of him, because murdering him in this manner is the only way I’d derive the slightest modicum of enjoyment from his terrible strip.

And thus ends my psychotic rant! See y’all next time, minna-san.

It’s been a while since we had a full Spectare summary and review, so here goes — the first of a special three-part Tales of Seduction by U-Jin extravaganza! Naturally, given that this is a hentai review, viewer discretion is advised. You could probably get away with viewing it at work (as far as graphic content goes, there’s only an exposed breast or two), but I have to say that so you can’t blame me if your boss fires you for reading about creepy and perverted songwriters who stalk little girls and fly into murderous rages at the sight of certain overweight women. Yep. And if you think that’s bad, stick around for the second and third parts… ’cause believe it or not, it gets worse.

By the way, it occurs to me that you could keep abreast (a-breast! ha ha!) of updates to Scary-Crayon by subscribing to the blog’s RSS feed! Just a suggestion, yanno. 😉

Seeya next time, minna-san! As always, comments are encouraged. Ja!

So with Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #46 I wanted to do something related to George A. Romero’s Land of the Dead (f’n great, go watch it) — and given that when I wasn’t pondering the meaning of the allegorical elements on screen I was saying to myself, “Goddamnit, why is that zombie hot!?!?” I guess this just kinda came out. And oddly enough, when I went to IMDb to snag the direct link to the film’s info page, I saw that the actress who played zombie Number 9, Jennifer Baxter, is currently enjoying front page publicity! And apparently she’s also in Dark Water with the lovely Jennifer Connelly… which means I may have to go see that too. Hmmm…

Anyway, speaking of Romero’s Land, I recently wrote a guest opinion of it alongside Malicious Bitch (I’m not insulting her; that’s the name of the site!) film critic Becky in a special She Said/He Said review, so feel free to check that out as well! Stick around to read the other reviews in Becky’s A Fool’s Gesture column while you’re at it — and if anyone asks, tell ’em Scary-Crayon sent ya. 😉

So — if you’ve got any comments about Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #46 or Land or zombie/horror films in general, you know what to do!