''Blogs are not frogs.''
December 1, 2005
The Experimental OYSTER LOAF… 2!

Never one to be satisfied with our previous forays into the world of culinary intrigue, Scary-Crayon once again boldly attempts to discover the recipe of the fabled oyster loaf in The Experimental Oyster Loaf 2! Additionally, if you’ve forgotten about the first experiment, you can read about that here — and, as noted at the conclusion of today’s article, the experiments shall continue. SO STAY TUNED!

Also, today SC honors beloved actor Pat Morita with a special edition Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash. R.I.P. Miyagi-san — you were pretty okay.

-posted by Wes | 12:53 pm | Comments (3)
November 28, 2005
Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #64!

Welcome back to Scary-Crayon, y’all! How ya been? Sure glad t’see ya again! Hope yer glad t’be back! Feel free t’click some Google ads or make donations or buy some shirts while yer here. 😉

Anyway, today’s Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash episode touches on one of the weirder incidents that took place following the release of the Xbox 360. At first I heard it and thought, “What crazy fuckers…!” but now, having seen Xboxes going for upwards of $2000 on eBay, I’m kinda wishing I’d thought of it. $1600 profit per system ain’t bad at all, and that dude stole two! And I’d like to know more about the robber — because you’ve gotta be at least marginally interesting to steal Xboxes at gunpoint. Hell, there should be a game about him (or her! The article doesn’t sex the thief): True Crime: Hardcore Gamers. I’d play it.

Oh, and the comic also stars ST@N (Stan) of Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #48 fame. Yeah, that was some twisted stuff.

-posted by Wes | 2:06 am | Comments (1)
November 25, 2005
And The Week of Hot Flashes concludes…

…with Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #63. Spam is pretty weird stuff, isn’t it? In one message they’ll be trying to sell you products for the purposes of penis enlargement; in the next they’ll be trying to sell you steaks. Given that all of these messages collect in the spam folder — and that, given the nature of spam, the senders are generally faceless and/or unimportant — it’s pretty easy to think of the e-mails as being related and coming from the same sender, which can make for some pretty horrific and disgusting images. Hence the look on my face in today’s comic.

Anyway, that’s the end of The Week of Hot Flashes — hope you’ve enjoyed it! There will, of course, be more Hot Flashes in the future; they just won’t be part of The Week of Hot Flashes (or at least not the FIRST one, as it’s entirely possible that I’ll decide to have another one at some point). Alrighty then. Hope y’all had a happy Thanksgiving, and thanks for reading Scary-Crayon! Ja.

-posted by Wes | 4:01 am | Comments (2)
November 24, 2005

Of course, Thanksgiving isn’t very happy for me, as you’ll read — and hear! — in “A Thanksgiving Poem”, today’s fittingly titled special edition of Crayon Poetry Corner. Though I guess it’s not entirely true, seeing as how if you’re one of the five people who actually reads the blog you probably appreciate whatever “wit” I have to offer at least a little bit. Which doesn’t really help improve my situation, but thanks for reading and stuff. Hope you enjoy Scary-Crayon! Yep.

Also, keeping The Week of Hot Flashes rolling along, we’ve got not one but TWO new comics for you today — Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #62 and a special edition Thanksgiving Hot Flash. Both are based on spam, seeing as how I get like 100+ spam e-mails a day. It’s sick.

Well, that’s all I’ve got for this holiday update. Once again, Happy Thanksgiving! Be good to yourselves… and each other. And try some tofurky while you’re at it. Seriously.

-posted by Wes | 6:45 am | Comments (2)
November 23, 2005
Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #61!

And our holiday week of spam-based Hot Flashes continues with Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #61! Now you’re playing with power.

And there WILL be another Hot Flash tomorrow, but if you’re too busy celebrating with friends and family and stuff to swing by, HAPPY THANKSGIVING in advance! The comic(s) will be here for you when you get back from your fun-filled vacation. 😛

-posted by Wes | 12:15 am | Comments (1)
November 22, 2005
The Week of Hot Flashes continues!

And while that is indeed true with Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #60, today’s update also boasts something a little more substantial: A Random Lunch #9! Thrill to the wacky, cheesy, grahammy adventures of Kain and Wild Boar Alien in another instance of one of Scary-Crayon’s most beloved recurring themes. And regarding the Hot Flash, yes, I know what the spam message really meant — but that was a rather odd way of putting it, don’t you think?

Hey, speaking of dinosaurs fighting giant more or less humanoid creatures, have you seen the new King Kong toys? The T-Rex figure — or V-Rex, as they’re calling it, which I think is hella stupid — has that weird collapsing action “feature”. A few of the figures in the new TMNT line have it also. And you know what? I hate it and would like to meet the moron that came up with it just so I can slap that person. Action figures ALREADY have a built-in collapsing feature, people — it’s called being vulnerable to gravity and falling the fuck over. There’s no need for a character to collapse into a mess of limbs connected by string, like that’s what really happens when somebody loses a fight anyway. It might make sense if this were a feature on, say, one of the Kill Bill enemy action figures, but anywhere else? DUMB.

The Week of Hot Flashes continues tomorrow with Hot Flash #61!

-posted by Wes | 2:06 am | Comments (2)
November 21, 2005
The Week of Hot Flashes has begun!

That’s right! I may not have a goddamned thing to be thankful for this holiday season, but hopefully I can give you something to look forward to with a new spam-based Hot Flash this Monday through Friday. And kicking things off, it’s Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #59! Note that I could also have drawn this with male deer, but my pockets would’ve had to have been f’n huge to pull that one off.

Aaaand we’ll be back tomorrow with a new Hot Flash and another article! Hint: It stars a vampire and an alien. Excited? Maybe you shouldn’t be…

-posted by Wes | 2:31 am | Comments (6)
November 18, 2005
Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #58!

And after last time’s squeaky clean update, it’s time to get nasty with Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #58! Following the trend of slapping various screencaps with suggestive captions and word bubbles, today’s kinky comic follows Carnage after his escape from Ravencroft. For the curious, these screencaps are from Maximum Carnage for the SNES, based on the 14-part Spider-Man crossover from 1993. I was reading comics back then, and while I remember the saga fondly (hey, it had Venom, Demogoblin, and, among favorite characters of mine, Cloak and Dagger), this game sucked then and it sucks now. If you’ve never played it, consider yourself lucky!

Also, you may have noticed that the Google ads (ugh) are up at the bottoms of articles. Sorry for the annoyance, but click them sometime, eh? Every click helps pay for Scary-Crayon’s hosting costs and review material! And stuff.

Aaaand finally, as a special Thanksgiving treat for Scary-Crayon readers, next week is going to be THE WEEK OF HOT FLASHES, with a new spam-based Hot Flash comic every weekday! That’s FIVE new Hot Flashes! Yup. That’ll be in addition to at least one other article — and hopefully two — so make sure to check us out next week! And have a happy holiday and stuff. 🙂

-posted by Wes | 12:03 am | Comments (1)
November 16, 2005
What is clean Christian comedy?

Yes, you read that right — today’s rather uncharacteristic Scary-Crayon piece attempts to discover the nature of clean Christian comedy. Am I the only one who didn’t know this subgenre existed? And what’s with the Christian love for Star Wars? I find it especially interesting given that Jedi has become a competing religion. Oh, and there are no cursewords and some cute jokes in this piece (well, I think they’re cute…), so bring the kiddies! And if somehow one of the performers finds his/her way here, thanks for an intriguing show. Keep up the clean Christian work, I guess!

-posted by Wes | 12:04 am | Comments (7)
November 14, 2005
The 5 Worst Fighting Game Characters!

Yep, Scary-Crayon once again takes part in a multi-site collaboration piece with The 5 Worst Fighting Game Characters! We’ve even got a bonus haiku at the end, so um enjoy and stuff. As noted in the article, we weren’t the only participants, so be sure to check out the four other pieces linked at the end. That’ll do it for this update, then!

By the way, how do y’all feel about Gooooooogle ads? I’m extremely hesitant to put them on the site — that’s how it starts, and you know how I feel about ads… — but I’m thinking they wouldn’t be too bad if I kept them on the sidebar and at the bottom of the articles, next to the donation link. Just wondering. Anyway, ja!

-posted by Wes | 1:04 pm | Comments (9)
November 11, 2005
Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #57!

Nowhere near as ambitious as the last Hot Flash of a similar nature — but still hopefully kinda funny — Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #57 is concerned with the whereabouts of everyone’s favorite Channel Six news reporter (and no, I’m not talking about Vernon here). It’s got alternate endings and a larger, bonus image, so be sure to check it out! I think Raph’s got a valid point.

-posted by Wes | 12:16 am | Comments (4)
November 9, 2005
A Random Lunch #10!

It’s been a really long while since we’ve had one of these, but it’s time once again for another installment of A Random Lunch! This time, Space Hoppin’ Raphael and Donatello face off against Darth Vader and the temptation of the dark side, resulting in probably the most awful tasting Random Lunch yet. Enjoy.

Also, overly attentive readers with extremely good memories (or those inclined to scroll down the list of Foodstuffs pieces) will recall that the last Random Lunch was #8 — and that, therefore, the 9th Random Lunch is MIA. Also, sometime last year, the 6th Random Lunch was also skipped. IS THERE SOME MEANING TO THESE OMISSIONS?!?!? Probably not, but you’re welcome to chalk them up to signs of the coming of SKELEGORE, whose appearance was prophesied way back in Where’s April??? Part 2. At any rate, someday I’ll get those Random Lunches up — along with others that I photographed but hadn’t yet numbered and never got around to posting — so… yeah. Same goes for the conclusion of Krang’s Dusty Plastic HELL saga. Someday…

But probably not next time. See you then, though!

-posted by Wes | 1:10 am | Comments (5)
November 6, 2005
Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #56!

It’s been a while since your old pal Wes has appeared in a comic, but here I am again in Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #56! And while it might seem funny, the actual spam e-mail on which it is based is no laughing matter — but it is plain wrong. Sure, I’ve gotten tons of spam messages with images, and lots of them have contained pretty lewd content, but this was a genuine charity e-mail, as one of the things Mercy Ships does is remove tumors and stuff for people who can’t afford the operations. Great. But don’t send me unsolicited photos of people with five pound tumors on their faces (and goodness don’t click that link unless you’re prepared to be grossed out). It’s one thing to bug me with perverted shit I probably don’t want; it’s another thing entirely to try to guilt trip me into donating money by making me want to vomit. I mean it actually mentions that the thing has a “putrid stench” — fucking disgusting.

Incidentally, I drew up the comic based on the subject line alone, since I didn’t view the e-mail until afterwards, out of curiosity. If I’d looked at it first, I probably would’ve been too busy cleaning spew out of my keyboard to draw the Hot Flash. Ugh, ugh, ugh.

-posted by Wes | 12:48 am | Comments (3)
November 3, 2005
A Haiku and a Song — SC Style!

Hi everyone, and welcome to NOVEMBER! Hope you had a happy Halloween and stuff. Anyway, to kick off the new month on Scary-Crayon, we’ve got a couple of new pieces for you: A Crayon Haiku #34 and Crayon Song Parody #2! Rah.

As noted in the haiku, I happened upon those necklaces at Target — in the 50% off $1 bins (making them 50 cents each) — so if you’ve got a Target nearby and want to try for one, it’s worth a shot. Also, the one on the left isn’t technically a Madball. I forget the name of the actual line it’s from — if it was part of one at all — but it’s pretty much a bootleg Madball, making its necklace counterpart a double bootleg. Speaking of Madballs, we once reviewed the Madballs ‘toon Escape From Orb and The Madballs History of the World jokebook, so give those a look if the subject interests you.

And then there’s the second Crayon Song Parody, “April”. In the interests of speed, file size, and minimizing torture, I sped up my singing slightly, which has the effect of making it sound a little better and getting it over with much more quickly. It doesn’t really sound like Michelangelo — I don’t think I’m capable of pulling off a very good Mikey impersonation, let alone while “singing” — but as indicated by the images that accompany the article, one might imagine a dejected Mike belting out the song. Side note: The most gorgeous girl I’ve ever met happened to be named April, so I sort of imagined myself singing the song to her. Granted, she was way too beautiful and perfect to ever think of me as being anything other than beneath her, so I’d never have had to sing a song like this to her, but in the event that she did deign to give me a chance I imagine we would’ve parted for similar reasons. My eyes used to glaze over and my mouth would turn into a squiggly line thingy whenever I ran into her on campus, though. She was absolutely stunning.

Come to think of it, I’ve never met an April who was anything less than remarkably attractive. I wonder if the name predisposed me to liking them, since I’d had a crush on Miss O’Neil since childhood? Aaaand this is getting far too personal, so we’re done. Ja ne, minna-san!

-posted by Wes | 12:54 am | Comments (4)
October 31, 2005
The Five SCARIEST 39¢ Halloween Cards!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!! In case you missed Saturday’s post, Scary- Crayon recently acknowledged All Hallow’s Eve with Dusty Plastic HELL: The Halloween Special!!!, but on the day itself here’s a second festive offering for y’all — The Five SCARIEST 39¢ Halloween Cards! Not only does the piece feature five spooky cards (and an honorable mention) with commentary, but there’s also a special Scary-Crayon card at the end. Sugoi! Oh, have some Halloween-themed fan art while I’m at it.

Mmm, bloody teeth.

Yep. That’s all for now, then — but just because Halloween will have “officially” passed doesn’t mean we won’t keep spooky articles coming! I mean, this is Scary-Crayon. Halloween is every day, hey-ey-ey.

-posted by Wes | 5:00 pm | Comments (2)
October 29, 2005
Dusty Plastic HELL: The Halloween Special!

Joy! It’s Dusty Plastic HELL: The Halloween Special!!! — Scary-Crayon’s very first Halloween piece! It’s also the first official, full-length Dusty Plastic HELL comic since the fifth installment was posted way back in February. And because I’m insane and like to play at being intelligent and pretentious, at the end of the comic is a list of footnotes explaining the various references made in the course of the comic and linking to sources of additional information (mostly Wikipedia entries). Yep. So enjoy… and HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

Which isn’t to say that we won’t be back with even more Halloween goodness on Monday, by the way — keep your fingers crossed! Assuming you care, anyway. 😛

-posted by Wes | 7:29 pm | Comments (0)
October 27, 2005
Flightplan is fucking terrible.

So here’s another Scary-Crayon first — an audio review of Flightplan. I hope you’ve got some spare time on your hands, because I actually ramble on off the top of my had about how much I despised this movie for almost a half hour (in two separate mp3s), complete with digressions, comparisons to other movies, a whole heaping lot of commentary, and all kinds of other good stuff. Of course, I don’t expect too many people to actually listen to the whole thing, so the page also features a two paragraph review of the film that pretty much summarizes my thoughts on the film, minus the detail, rambling, and rampant cursing of the unabridged audio version. Oh, and if you happen to read this before you listen to the files (assuming you listen), try counting and comparing the number of times I say the word “terrible” to the number of times I use some form of “fuck”. I think “terrible” wins, unless that wholesale cursing at the end of the first file puts “fuck” over the top.

Speaking of cursing, reader James Davis recently sent in the following:

From: James Davis
Date: Oct 21, 2005 1:36 PM
Subject: Bad Language

Hey Odo,
My nine year old daughter found your site and I don’t much care for the “F” word hanging out there for all to see – especially her. Clean up your act.

First of all, James, thanks for writing in! Secondly, when you refer to me as “Odo”, do you mean the Star Trek character, Odo of Bayeux, Odo of Cluny, Pope Martin V, or some other Odo — and what is your rationale for doing so? Thirdly, I’m glad that you’re being a responsible parent and monitoring what your daughter’s viewing online. Rather than attempting to censor me, you should continue to do that. So fourthly, in response to your directive to “clean up my act,” fuck off. 🙂

Anyway, see y’all next time — which may be fairly soon!

-posted by Wes | 5:12 pm | Comments (9)
October 25, 2005
Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #55!

Yep, today’s update is another Hot Flash. I’m sorry about the lack of substantial written updates — things haven’t been going all that well with me as of late, so I haven’t felt up to writing a full article, to say nothing of the fact that the room that houses my desktop has been so cold lately that I can’t bear to be in it for more than a few minutes — but at least this one’s kinda got a Halloween theme to it, what with the zombie element and all. By the way, this one was more or less inspired by my watching of Return of the Living Dead 4 & 5 on SciFi a couple of weeks ago (which kinda sucked, but still) and the memories brought to the forefront when I employed Primal Rage sprites in Hot Flash #54. Everything comes from somewhere.

To answer Kacy’s question in the comments section of the previous entry, the font I use most often in the Hot Flash comics is Comic Book Commando, which you can download just about anywhere that offers free fonts if you do a quick Google search. Another place y’all can go for good comic fonts is Blambot, which has a number of free and pay fonts available for download. Hope that helps.

Also, while we’re recommending sites, Turtles fans may be interested to know that The Technodrome, another cool TMNT fansite, is back up after a bunch of problems and almost a month of downtime. The forums are also a pretty cool place to hang out — I used to spend a lot of time there a while back, when I had more time to spare — so I encourage y’all to check it out if you’re bored. Anyway, to help welcome Krang and Shredder back to the fold, I’ve added a link to The Technodrome to the sidebar, replacing the link to Maddox’s The Best Page in the Universe. This isn’t at all intended as a slight against Maddox, but a) he’s been pretty busy with his book lately, so it’s been ages since the site’s seen an update, and b) what with Maddox’s high level popularity, it’s not like my removal of the link is going to affect his traffic flow in the least. Anyway, best of luck to Maddox with the book and to Shredder and Krang with The Technodrome’s return!

Fun fact, by the way: Did you know that there are no specifically designated “Halloween” pieces on Scary-Crayon? Granted, this may change in the coming week if The Powers That Be see fit to turn on the heat, but at the moment there aren’t any articles that were specifically written with the spooky season in mind. However, because that in large part has to do with the fact that SC reflects the somewhat gothic tendencies of its founder and editor guy (er, me) — like Ministry says, “Halloween is every day ay ay ay” — that isn’t to say that there aren’t a number of articles here that fit the monsterrific mood of Samhain’s month. And I was about to include a relevant list of articles, but shit, just about everything in the Spectare and Foodstuffs sections is pretty damned terrifying, to say nothing of the horrors like Best Friend Colton and Vampire Pan to be found among the Miscellaneous pieces. Dude, we’ve even got Resident Evil poetry and haiku.

All for now. Take care, minna-san, and HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

-posted by Wes | 7:56 am | Comments (1)
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