''Blogs are not frogs.''
August 27, 2005
Enter: EL OJO ROJO!!

Don’t you hate it when a teaser trailer makes you think a film is about something much cooler than its actual subject matter? I sure do — and that’s why I’m not going to see Wes Craven‘s Red Eye. Why bother, when the flick playing in my head — El Ojo Rojo — is so much cooler? Imagination makes it happen.

On an unrelated note, a bit of good news — my letter about the stupid panda names was printed in yesterday’s edition of the Washington Post Express! It’s not much, but it’s my first printed clip aside from student publications and Internet fare, so there. Break out the champagne. 😛

Gary is better than 'Apple'

Alas, I can’t take credit for the titular reference to Gwyneth Paltrow’s brood, but the rest of the letter appears in more/less unedited form — I had a parenthetical “Eeeeyy!!” that followed the mention of FONZ (Friends of the National Zoo), but that’s about the only change. Sweet!

Anyway, check out El Ojo Rojo! And we’ll see you next time. 🙂

-posted by Wes | 1:30 pm | Comments (6)
August 22, 2005

Hey there, crayon fans! Hope y’all had a great weekend. I meant to post something new on Saturday, but then I had a brilliant idea and decided to save the update for later. My idea? CRAYONCON!!! See, Otakon was this weekend, and since I didn’t go for the first time since 1998 I decided to make up for it by holding my own little anime-themed culinary festival of sorts! I’m acting like it’s a big deal, but really it’s just an extended Foodstuffs article. You’ll humor me, won’t you? Oh yeah, the fourth and final Forkless Gourmet Bun Meal review is contained in there as well — so if you care at all about that, be sure to read to the end of the piece. 🙂

And then, in Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #50, I parody the recent wave of Popeye’s Chicken commercials featuring comedian Bruce Bruce. You won’t find the comic funny if you haven’t seen the ads, but… hell, you probably won’t find it funny even if you have seen the ads, ’cause they play out pretty much exactly the way I’ve laid it out and there’s nothing funny about them. I’m starting to think that maybe I’m missing the joke, though — we’re not supposed to find what he says funny, but rather we’re supposed to be laughing at the fact that this 400 lb. “black” dude is telling jokes about how much he loves him some fried chicken. Now, that’s not my primary issue with the ads — I just don’t think they’re funny at all, and the fact that Bruce Bruce is grossly overweight adds an element of “WTF?” to the commercials — but if you read the guestbook on Bruce Bruce’s website, a lot of people have seriously taken issue with the ads on those grounds. And I dunno, maybe they have a point, especially given the nature of some of the jokes. While the jokes about his car automatically swerving towards Popeye’s and the one about him seeing his aunt naked and not eating for a month are just dumb (what, does the car eat Popeye’s too? and regarding the second joke, maybe he should see his aunt naked more often), the one about his mother hitting him because he prefers Popeye’s chicken to hers is really weird and, moreover, does support the stereotype that “black” parents are inclined to beat their children for stupid reasons. That’s not cool.

As always, feel free to share your thoughts and comments on either piece. Take care until next time, minna-san!

-posted by Wes | 3:42 am | Comments (9)
August 19, 2005
Everything’s all sticky.

Hey all. I was hoping to have a new article up for you tonight, but then I accidentally knocked over my Kool-Aid cup of Cocoa Krispies chocolatized milk and spent the next two hours cleaning that mess. I think I’ve gotten most of it, but I’m still finding patches of stickiness in unlikely places — my monitor, my headphones, my windowsill, etc. It’s like cleaning up after a bukkake shoot. Ugh.

So anyway, in lieu of a new article — for those of you who actually read the blog! — here’s a beatnik poem about chocolate milk. You supply the beat.

I want
know I want
to spill choc-o-late milk
allllllllllll o-ver


I want the brown
stick-y flu-id
to seep in-to
your ev’ry crevice

I want

(pause to nod to the band and wink at the audience)

to flip you up-side down
and pry apart your folds
that sweet, choc-o-late-y good-ness
from your body

with my wet pa-per towels

of love

Thank you, thank you. Barring another unforseen accident, I hope to have a new article for you tomorrow. Ja ne.

-posted by Wes | 3:13 am | Comments (2)
August 15, 2005
The Margarita Chicken Bun Meal and DPH: HF #49!

Has it been a full week since the last review? My sincerest apologies! Hopefully you haven’t been too bored in the interim. Anyway, today we’ve got two new pieces for you. First, a brief review of Forkless Gourmet’s Margarita Chicken Bun Meal. I’ve about exhausted all there is to say about the things in a general sense, so I hope you won’t find the remaining Bun Meal review(s) to be too tedious! There’s at least one more scheduled.

And then there’s Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #49! Nowhere near the wrong wrong wrongness of ST@N’s 48th installment, this latest comic brings us back to a work environment — not counting the drawings in the Shit-Sniffers article, it’s the first SC comic based on my experiences working at the community college. How does one get to the second floor? Gee, I wonder! I respond politely and with a smile, but seriously, that’s got to be one of the dumbest questions ever. What makes it worse is that the information window isn’t that far into the building — it’s like people walk in and see that there’s a second level but don’t immediately see stairs and start flipping out because they know they’ve got to get up there but they have no idea how they’re supposed to accomplish that task! As if they’d build a building with no way of accessing the second level. Bloody hell, minna-san, bloody hell.

Okay, I’m done. Seeya next time!

-posted by Wes | 1:00 am | Comments (5)
August 8, 2005
Fantastic Four Z Cardz and DPH: Hot Flash #48!

Hey all — couple of new pieces for you this Monday. First, to capitalize on the more/less current film release, we’ve got a review of Fantastic Four Z Cardz! There’s really not a lot to say about these “cardz that turn into 3-D models” (not that that stops us from rambling on a bit, mind you!), but at least now I can say I punched out the Thing! Ha ha! I’m so tough. 😉 And then the article caps off with a quick comic adventure starring the fantastic fruit of my card punchin’ labor. w00t.

And then there’s Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #48, a guest comic by ST@N! It’s probably the sickest thing on the site, as ST@N’s taken characters from two of the more controversial Hot Flashes — #26 and the Easter edition — and put them in the same room. Now, it’s not all that gory or visually disgusting, but the implications are just… wrong. And again, it’s a guest comic, so if you’re offended, grossed-out, etc. etc. — direct your correspondence to ST@N. 🙂

All for now — catch you next time, folks!

-posted by Wes | 1:15 am | Comments (10)
August 2, 2005
Tales of Seduction by U-Jin, Part 2!

Cover your keyboards, folks, ’cause it’s about to get sticky as we at Scary-Crayon present the second installment of our Tales of Seduction by U-Jin review! In “When a Virgin Steals a Man”, we learn why one should never pretend to be a virgin in order to steal another woman’s fiance — because apparently, at least in hentai, that’s the worst thing that a woman can do. Ever. Enjoy!

In the final installment — whenever that goes up! — we’ll once again join the mysterious Toyama no Benbei for a final adventure in U-Jin’s famed ero-ero world. See you then! But in the meantime, if you missed the first part of the review, be sure to check that out as well. 🙂

-posted by Wes | 3:16 am | Comments (7)
July 28, 2005
The Experimental OYSTER LOAF!

Hey folks! I’m rushing to get this up before I run to work so I can’t say much, but here’s that new food piece I promised — The Experimental OYSTER LOAF! Leave a comment, lemme know what you think… and don’t be afraid to submit your own suggestions. I think I’m gonna try to make more oyster loaves in the future using a variety of different techniques. I’ve been bitten by the oyster loaf bug! OYSTER LOAF!!!!!!

Oh yeah, and feel free to read and add stuff to the previous blog entry if you want. But first, dig into some OYSTER LOAF! Okay, gotta go. Ja!

-posted by Wes | 6:14 am | Comments (8)
July 27, 2005
More talkin’ ’bout Potter.

Hey folks — sorry for the slight delay regarding the next article! Not only have I been kinda busy and exhausted lately, but I thought I’d leave the Harry Potter feature in the top spot a little longer to ensure that it gets the maximum opening exposure. Should have a new food experiment piece up for you tomorrow, though, so keep an eye out for that.

Regarding the HP piece — I was pleasantly surprised to return from da big city to find voices of agreement and even something of a discussion taking place in the previous blog entry‘s comments section! As far as I’ve been able to discern from the site logs, most of the other opinions folks have had on the article haven’t been very kind (though no one’s ventured to send me any hate mail yet :(), so the concurrent thoughts and additional insights were greatly appreciated. Everyone had something worthwhile to add, which was pretty cool! Thanks, peeps. 🙂 (more…)

-posted by Wes | 2:19 pm | Comments (0)
July 22, 2005
Fuck you, Harry Potter.

New print article — a lengthy rant about how J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series is hardly worth the excessive praise and fervent devotion it receives from millions of zombified admirers all over the world. Fuck Harry Potter. This piece has it all — a mini Hot Flash style comic, mini-reviews of other books, anecdotes from my time spent working at the bookstore — even some more sophisticated literary and social criticism. And if you’ve got anything to add — agreements, disagreements, expositions on certain plot points that may contradict certain arguments voiced in the piece (because, admittedly, I haven’t read any of the books save the first one, though I have seen the fucking boring films that never fail to put me to sleep), etc. — that’s what the comment form is for.

This article is dedicated to all of the people who, like me, dislike the Potter books but are nonetheless forced to live in a world where their influence, at times, seems all but limitless. La Resistance lives on, my friends.

-posted by Wes | 4:35 am | Comments (63)
July 18, 2005
When evil strikes in Gotham City…

BATMAN: Justice Unbalanced, reviewed!

…rely on the Batman! In this latest Scary-Crayon game review, we check out BATMAN: Justice Unbalanced, an educational Batman adventure designed to help children ages 7-10 learn valuable problem-solving skills and in which not a single punch is thrown. You may scoff, but I think it’s pretty cool that the game teaches kids to use their wits instead of their fists to outwit enemies. I mean, what was Batman really teaching kids anyway? That to get what you want, you need to dangle people weaker than you off of buildings, that’s what! Batman was a bully. 🙁

And if you’re wondering why I actually bought this game — as I say multiple times in the review, as if purchasing a game about Batman, educational or otherwise, requires any justification whatsoever — it was $2. ‘Nuff said.

-posted by Wes | 2:44 am | Comments (2)
July 16, 2005
Panic in the sky, indeed!

I guess stuff like this will appear in the blog from time to time, too.

By the way, regarding the previous entry, it occurs to me that Robb Armstrong probably isn’t a bad guy — he just draws a really shitty and unfunny comic. So I probably wouldn’t shiv him if I met him on the street. Breaking his fingers would probably be doing the world a favor, though.

This from the guy who’d make Supergirl porn!

-posted by Wes | 2:33 pm | Comments (4)
July 14, 2005
Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #47!

Hidey ho, neighbors, and welcome back to Scary-Crayon! Today, for your viewing pleasure, we’ve got Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #47 — an attack of sorts on the newspaper comic strip Jump Start. ‘Cause you know what? I fucking hate that comic. It’s like a cross between Blondie and Andy Capp only entirely lacking any of the qualities that made either of those comics even remotely charming. And yeah, it’s not the only unfunny comic in the paper, but most of the worst ones — like Marmaduke and Family Circus, for example, which I think is fucking stupid too — are at least mainstays and can at least claim traditional status.

Honestly, the only reason I can think of that that comic would have been printed at all is because OMG IT FEATURES CHARACTERS OF COLOR, hence the joke in today’s Hot Flash. Jump Start certainly does “diversify” my morning funnies reading experience, though, because it ensures that the giggles induced by Pearls Before Swine are followed by groans and a desire to dip the comics page in a flour and water paste and, having fashioned a makeshift paper mache shiv, seek out Robb Armstrong (the creator of the comic) and stab the holy bejeezus out of him, because murdering him in this manner is the only way I’d derive the slightest modicum of enjoyment from his terrible strip.

And thus ends my psychotic rant! See y’all next time, minna-san.

-posted by Wes | 2:27 am | Comments (7)
July 11, 2005
Tales of Seduction by U-Jin, Part 1!

It’s been a while since we had a full Spectare summary and review, so here goes — the first of a special three-part Tales of Seduction by U-Jin extravaganza! Naturally, given that this is a hentai review, viewer discretion is advised. You could probably get away with viewing it at work (as far as graphic content goes, there’s only an exposed breast or two), but I have to say that so you can’t blame me if your boss fires you for reading about creepy and perverted songwriters who stalk little girls and fly into murderous rages at the sight of certain overweight women. Yep. And if you think that’s bad, stick around for the second and third parts… ’cause believe it or not, it gets worse.

By the way, it occurs to me that you could keep abreast (a-breast! ha ha!) of updates to Scary-Crayon by subscribing to the blog’s RSS feed! Just a suggestion, yanno. 😉

Seeya next time, minna-san! As always, comments are encouraged. Ja!

-posted by Wes | 12:30 am | Comments (4)
July 8, 2005
Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #46!

So with Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #46 I wanted to do something related to George A. Romero’s Land of the Dead (f’n great, go watch it) — and given that when I wasn’t pondering the meaning of the allegorical elements on screen I was saying to myself, “Goddamnit, why is that zombie hot!?!?” I guess this just kinda came out. And oddly enough, when I went to IMDb to snag the direct link to the film’s info page, I saw that the actress who played zombie Number 9, Jennifer Baxter, is currently enjoying front page publicity! And apparently she’s also in Dark Water with the lovely Jennifer Connelly… which means I may have to go see that too. Hmmm…

Anyway, speaking of Romero’s Land, I recently wrote a guest opinion of it alongside Malicious Bitch (I’m not insulting her; that’s the name of the site!) film critic Becky in a special She Said/He Said review, so feel free to check that out as well! Stick around to read the other reviews in Becky’s A Fool’s Gesture column while you’re at it — and if anyone asks, tell ’em Scary-Crayon sent ya. 😉

So — if you’ve got any comments about Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #46 or Land or zombie/horror films in general, you know what to do!

-posted by Wes | 3:36 am | Comments (6)
July 4, 2005
Celebrate July 4th the Scary-Crayon way!

Next year, anyway, because today’s holiday has come and just about gone — but that doesn’t mean you can’t still read about dollar store turkey franks and snack cakes! And really, who needs Independence Day for celebration, anyway? I mean, if the holiday is supposed to symbolize our liberation from jolly old England, why should our festive joy remain bound to the observance of a mere calendar day? Eat turkey franks every day, by gum! Little Debbie cakes for breakfast! The revolution had better be televised, ’cause I’m not moving from my couch and I’ll miss that shit if they don’t put it on the tube and I’d rather watch a DVD anyway!

Er… yeah. Hope you had a happy holiday, everyone! Seeya next time. 🙂

-posted by Wes | 11:24 pm | Comments (3)
July 3, 2005
OMG! It’s Scary-Crayon’s blog!

I’m pretty sure I started talking about this thing a year ago, but THE SCARY-CRAYON BLOG is finally open. Hurrah! So let’s talk a bit about what we’ve got here and what to expect.

Foremost, after successfully running the program on my personal domain and growing to lurve it, the SC blog is powered by WordPress (currently version; additional technical info can be found in the box at the bottom of the sidebar at right). Also, given that this is the first blog post, you may be wondering where all of these other posts came from! Remember the Site Talk block that used to adorn the content pages? I actually saved every blurb ever written in there, so now that old text has been chronicled in the archives of the new blog. Not that anything truly substantial got mentioned there, but if you’re looking for something in one of those old posts, feel free to use the search bar at right to find it.

Psst! Didja catch that? There’s a search bar! :mrgreen: (more…)

-posted by Wes | 6:28 am | Comments (4)
June 13, 2005
It’s been a while…

Been a while since the Site Talk block’s been updated, eh? I guess there really hasn’t been much to say! You might’ve noticed a bit of slowdown after a series of pretty regular updates, but we’re still around — just been kinda busy as of late with… stuff. Thanks for bearing with us!

So… big things planned! Okay, not huge, but I’m still hoping to get the official SC blog up pretty soon, as well as maybe start selling a tiny bit o’ merch from Cafepress or somewhere. More fiction pieces here and there, and hopefully more longer articles. If I can find the time. 🙂 Take care, minna-san!

-posted by Wes | 8:16 pm | Comments (0)
April 23, 2005
Scary-Crayon: Now with short fiction!

Last time, another Scary-Crayon feature debuted as we brought you the very first Crayon Song Parody. Today, we continue that trend of firsts by offering fiction! Yes, fiction — a short story by Wes entitled “Two Minutes on the Metro”. Do send an e-mail and let us know what you think, okay?

What ever will Scary-Crayon come up with next? STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT!  😀

-posted by Wes | 11:36 am | Comments (0)
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