''Blogs are not frogs.''
January 25, 2006
The Leonardo Celebratory Flip Off!

Hey there, Scary-Crayon fans! Still don’t have that promised food article (that’s next on the agenda; we’ll see if I can get it ready before midnight!!!), but here’s the other piece I said I might get up: The Leonardo Celebratory Flip Off!!! In this article, I compare the flipping abilities of the Ninja Action Leo figures from the old and new Playmates TMNT lines. It’s even got flipping mpegs! Enjoy.

By the way, can you tell that I did the title images for this article on my second computer? It’s interesting how the laptop display causes me to favor certain techniques over others.

Back in a few with foody goodness! Or not. Not because I won’t be back, but because “goodness” is totally the wrong word to use. Totally.

-posted by Wes | 6:03 pm | Comments (2)
Happy birthday, Scary-Crayon!

It’s kinda hard to believe, but today marks the two-year anniversary of Scary-Crayon’s emergence on the web. Two years! Still, somehow the site’s second birthday isn’t quite as exciting as last year’s was. That may be because last year I was sort of shocked that the site was still going strong after a year, whereas now I kind of take it for granted that Scary-Crayon will exist indefinitely, or at least until I get run over by a bus or something. That may also be because whereas last year I had been planning the site’s celebratory thingamajig for weeks and had written several new articles to commemorate the occasion, lately I’ve been concentrating more on future additions to the site. Still, I do plan to post at least one awesome new article later this afternoon to celebrate the start of Scary-Crayon’s third year. Let’s just say that if you enjoyed the Pup Corn piece, you’ll love this one.

In the meantime, we’ve got A Crayon Haiku #44 and a special guest Hot Flash from our pal Jax, the latter of which takes its cue from some of the rather disgusting shorts that appeared on the site during the 2004 holiday season. It’s amazing which features have a lasting impact on people. 🙂

Oh, and I’d meant to post Scary-Crayon’s first ever fanfic today, but seeing as how I haven’t gotten around to writing it yet, that’s not gonna happen. However, I did do some of the artwork for it, so here’s a preview:

''Insert witty comment here!''

Have a great day, and we’ll see you again this afternoon! 😀

-posted by Wes | 11:25 am | Comments (2)
January 24, 2006
Scary-Crayon with video?

Hey all — this is just a test post. Not sure if you saw Sunday’s entry, given that there was no article attached to it (if you missed it, give it a read!), but at the end of the piece I linked a video clip from Madballs: Gross Jokes. As far as I know, folks have had mixed success with the clip, with some people being able to play it and others being unable to do so (and actually, I’m able to play it on my other machine but I only get video on this one), so I’d appreciate any input y’all have on the matter. Here are another few clip tests I’m trying in search of a file format that works for the majority of readers out there while still being fairly compact:

The introduction to the live action TMNT specials “We With You a Turtle Christmas” and “Turtle Tunes” in mov and swf formats. On my end, I the swf file plays correctly (you may want to right click it and uncheck “loop”, though), whereas I only get sound with the mov file. This may have something to do with my outdated version of Quicktime, though.

Two clips from Madballs: Gross Jokes, one in swf format, the other in mov. Same deal noted above, at least for me.

And if you know of any good utilities for converting to wmv or any other small and widely used file formats, I’m all ears! Ja ne, minna-san.

-posted by Wes | 2:06 am | Comments (2)
January 23, 2006
Peter Jackson’s King Kong, reviewed!

And yeah, it’s been in the theaters for almost two months now, but we’re finally getting around to reviewing the new King Kong on Scary-Crayon — which is only fitting since he’s appeared in two Hot Flashes thus far and will be appearing in an upcoming Foodstuffs review. As you’ll read, I wasn’t too keen on the movie, but there’s something about a giant gorilla that nevertheless makes the character hard to dislike, even when he is killing and eating people and whatnot. And because the movie’s still in the theaters and not on DVD (not that I’d buy it anyway, unless I came across it in the $5.50 bin at Wal-Mart), screencaps are taken alternately from King Kong Lives, the 1986 sequel to the 1976 remake of King Kong, and the intro to Kong: The Animated Series”, which I happened to record last Saturday morning. King Kong sure loves him some alligators.

And then, in Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #73, we take a trip down memory lane for a look at myself and one of my best pals back when I was in middle school. I drew this one after a conversation with some folks brought back memories of this guy and his atrocious taste in women. I’m sure you’ve all known someone like him (or at least seen the character in movies) — the guy who would fuck almost anything that moves. Now, I’m not saying that a woman has to be Lacey Chabert to be worth dating, and I’ve certainly been attracted to women who aren’t supermodels by conventional standards. But whereas my attractions have been largely due to the personalities of my respective crushes and my own personal tastes, guys like my old pal not only seemed to genuinely think that these cows were hot, but that their beauty was so obvious that everyone else on the planet would agree. He was definitely an interesting character.

Another thing about guys like this is that despite their obliviousness to any standards of beauty whatsoever, they invariably end up with the hottest girl in the school, town, etc., on their arm at one point or another. It’s amazing. Not only that, but then they’ll act like you’re the one who finally developed some taste when you comment on it and say stuff like, “Maybe now you’ll respect my taste in the future.” Unreal. And then when it doesn’t work out between them — because it never does — the guys go right back to chasing ogres as if they’re Charlize Theron (whom I really don’t find all that hot but she came to mind given that I just watched Mighty Joe Young the other day). Sometimes they’ll even go on at length about how the latest creature that ended up in their bed is even hotter than the super gorgeous woman they previously dated. I don’t get it.

Speaking of things I don’t get, what the hell was up with that “beauty killed the beast” shit in King Kong? I don’t know what events the characters were watching, but it looked to me like the beast was killed by a hail of gunfire and a 102-story drop. I’m just saying.

-posted by Wes | 2:32 pm | Comments (5)
January 22, 2006
Teen Titans, gone. :(

Hey y’all. Sorry I don’t have a new article for you right now — hoping to work on some stuff today for the TWO-YEAR ANNIVERSARY on Wednesday, though — but I’ve been really, really depressed. Because Teen Titans is over. Okay, not really, but that’s my segue into this mini commentary on the final episode of the show that I posted over on Wesoteric earlier in the week. Hopefully it’ll help to tide you over until I get some new content up!

Oh, and if you make it to the end, there’s a SPECIAL treat waiting for you, seeing as how I’ve spent the past 48 hours fooling with this and other video-related crap and feel like sharing. Yeah, you could just scroll to the bottom and snag it, but where’s the fun in that? Anyway, here’s that Titans review.

The final episode of “Teen Titans” aired on Monday. After five seasons, my favorite show is over.

Hello, Terra.

And as if that fact weren’t sad enough, why did the last episode have to be so damned depressing? It made my heart hurt, even though it contained the revelation that Terra is, in fact, alive.

Beast Boy...

The relationship between Terra and Beast Boy, though limited to the second season, was one of my favorite things about the show. Terra was cool yet vulnerable; Beast Boy was goofy yet strong and loyal. They fit. And then Terra betrayed the team to Slade, the most vicious of villains, and gave her life to correct her mistake (or so it seemed). At the end, only Beast Boy believed in her, and she hugged him and told him that he was the best friend she’d ever had. I cried.


And now we learn, in the final episode, that Terra is alive. Joy! Joy! But wait. She wants nothing to do with the Titans. She wants nothing to do with Beast Boy. She doesn’t even remember him, or so she claims. Slade, apparently still watching over the Titans and his former apprentice, returns to suggest that she doesn’t remember because she doesn’t want to. Terra returns and doesn’t want to remember her best friend. In the final episode. What?


I enjoyed “Teen Titans” because it was a fun, oftentimes wacky show. The character development and interaction was both amusing and touching. The show had its misses — particularly in this final season — but its heart was always undeniable. The Titans were a team: they laughed together, cried together, fought together, won together, and held each other up when they fell. Beast Boy spent the majority of the final episode away from the team, trying to get Terra to remember things that she had apparently intentionally blocked from her mind. Things like him. Why was this the last episode? Why was the final shot of Beast Boy, alone in a hallway in the school that Terra now attends, resignedly returning to help the team — and only because he couldn’t get Terra to come with him? What is the meaning of this? Does Terra represent the network executives, who supported the show, then turned against it, then supported it again — and then, after being quiet for a while, returned only to reject it openly? Are we Terra, who have apparently outgrown and abandoned the Titans — or at least lack the will to join them in more of their zany adventures? I don’t know, but this was a deeply depressing final episode.

The bad guys are down for the count...

Sayonara, Teen Titans. You will be missed.

And here’s your reward: a minute+ long 1.70 MB wmv clip from Madballs: Gross Jokes! Also known as the greatest. show. ever. So enjoy. 🙂

-posted by Wes | 5:28 am | Comments (1)
January 18, 2006
FREE FOOD DAY!!! and a Hot Flash.

Hard to believe it’s been a whole week since the last update. Sorry about that, y’all! I haven’t been feeling terribly well. It’s not that I’m sick, and I’m not even feeling that ickiness that precedes the onset of illness — it’s more like a vague ickiness that precedes the general ickiness that precedes the onset of illness. Its only real symptom is that I’ve been extremely tired and my veins feel like they’re filled with that slime that accompanies certain canned meats. I really don’t know.

Anyway, new pieces today! The more substantial of the two, FREE FOOD DAY!!!, contains a review of the free offerings at California Tortilla and McDonald’s on last Friday the 13th, as well as more general comments about the thoughts that went through my head and the sights that I saw during my adventure to attain these cost-free edibles. Also, I saw a taco man. I spoke to the taco man. The taco man did not reply. Because taco men cannot speak. This is a pretty weird piece, and I was kinda suffering from the ickiness mentioned above when I wrote it (not that I’m not suffering from it now…), so I’d be especially interested to hear what you think of it. ‘Cause while subsequent articles may not even pay the lip service to the general theme that this one did, I could see doing more “adventures around town” type articles in the future.

And then there’s the latest installment of Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash. Surely you’ve seen those ads in which the giant, talking Pop Tarts run around and try their best to avoid being eaten — and sadly fail each time — yes? Every time I watch one of those commercials I get sad and angry. I mean, I like Pop Tarts too, but there’s no way I’d try to eat a living Pop Tart if I met one. I’d even beat the shit out of anyone who tried to take a bite out of him. I mean, think about it — a Pop Tart that can walk and talk and fear for its life is, for all practical purposes, a human being, albeit one that looks and possibly tastes a lot like a Pop Tart. So these fuckers going after them are cannibals. Are we supposed to be rooting for them? Also, these Pop Tarts try really hard. Okay, sometimes they do dumb things like lick poles and hide in giant toasters, but in that one short they actually managed to build a rocket ship and fly to the moon — only to be eaten by giant green one-eyed aliens. Fucked. Up. I could see if these people were scientists who wanted to study the living Pop Tarts and find out if they had organs or were being animated by other, supernatural means, but these creatures that simply want to eat them really make me angry. So in this comic, the Pop Tart finally wins. A winner is the Pop Tart. Yes.

All for now. And do remember, Scary-Crayon turns two years old one week from today! Hopefully I’ll feel better and have some unique articles up to celebrate. But hopefully I’ll post something else before then, too. Ja!

-posted by Wes | 1:37 pm | Comments (19)
January 11, 2006
Another Street Fighter cartoon review!

As promised, it’s the first Spectare review of the new year: a thorough summary and analysis of “Getting to Guile”, the fourth episode of “Street Fighter: The Animated Series”. Couldn’t you just die? I guess Chun-Li could, seeing as how she appears as a vampire in this episode. Bet that’s something you never thought you’d see! Or maybe you did, seeing as how she’s been known to do battle with succubi and ghosts and other such creatures of the night in Capcom’s crossover games. Ah well.

Also, in keeping with our continued efforts to support the 5-7-5 syllable revolution, here’s A Crayon Haiku #43. Yes, I actually did make this, and no, it wasn’t on purpose. It actually tasted a lot like the s’mores I made during a camping trip, only without the coughing of ash and the increased risk of developing lung cancer. There were no marshmallows either.

Thekla Reuten as ''Debbie'' in 'Everybody's Famous'

Oh, and per the opening remarks in the “Street Fighter” review, here’s an actual IM conversation between myself and a guy who apparently expected me to rip the content from or actually physically mail him my cartoon DVDs. Oh, and he also mistook me for a woman. While his rationale kind of makes sense, given that he referred to my buddy icon — which features the character Debbie from Everybody’s Famous — it’s entirely unacceptable given that he got my screen name from this site, which features several actual photographs of me and numerous sharpie-drawn illustrations. I mean, if you’re going to ask a someone whom you don’t even know to send you shit from his personal collection, you should at least learn enough about the person to not make that kind of mistake. And what’s up with simply assuming that people are using photos of themselves as their buddy icons? For over a year my icon was a screencap of Starfire — does that mean that people mistook me for a slender Tamaranian princess with an odd yet humorous and adorable manner of speaking? I wish I were, mind you, but still.

So this guy had actually messaged me once before and tried to convince me to do the same thing, but luckily my connection died in the course of the conversation and he was gone by the time I got back. I don’t have that convo, so this is the second one. Also, in the interest of getting to the good stuff, I’ve excised the introductory formalities. Enjoy! And remember, if you message me and say idiotic things, I may someday post the log on SC! I did have the decency to change this fool’s SN in order to protect his identity, though. Guess I’m not such a mean girl after all, eh? 😉

Capcom Dude (1:47:37 AM): ey amigo
Capcom Dude (1:47:47 AM): what’s ure a/s/l
Capcom Dude (1:47:59 AM): mine is 19/m/CA
Wes (1:48:01 AM): se/cr/et
Capcom Dude (1:48:09 AM): o c’mon
Capcom Dude (1:48:16 AM): it’s not like im a stalker
Capcom Dude (1:48:17 AM): lol
Capcom Dude (1:48:31 AM): i kno ure a chick 😉
Capcom Dude (1:49:06 AM): saw ure cute pic. 😀
Capcom Dude (1:49:16 AM): how old r u tho
Wes (1:49:16 AM): did you?
Capcom Dude (1:49:25 AM): uh huh 🙂
Wes (1:49:30 AM): where?
Capcom Dude (1:49:36 AM): secret
Capcom Dude (1:49:44 AM): u tell me ure age 1st
Capcom Dude (1:49:51 AM): then ill send u my pic.
Wes (1:50:05 AM): that’s okay
Capcom Dude (1:50:09 AM): j/k, it was ure DP the other day (w/ the blu hair)
Capcom Dude (1:50:16 AM): fine, ill webcam w/ u
Wes (1:50:22 AM): my DP?
Capcom Dude (1:50:26 AM): yea
Capcom Dude (1:50:30 AM): display puic.
Capcom Dude (1:50:33 AM): *pic.
Wes (1:50:34 AM): oh
Capcom Dude (1:50:39 AM): hehe
Wes (1:50:39 AM): right
Wes (1:50:48 AM): I forgot about that 😛
Capcom Dude (1:50:54 AM): k grl. r u gonna tell me ure age now
Capcom Dude (1:51:10 AM): im curious cuz u look around my age
Capcom Dude (1:51:18 AM): :-*
Wes (1:52:24 AM): it’s cool
Capcom Dude (1:52:31 AM): man ure hard 2 get
Capcom Dude (1:52:36 AM): damn…..
Capcom Dude (1:52:41 AM): neways it’s 1:44 AM
Wes (1:52:52 AM): yeah
Capcom Dude (1:52:54 AM): so im gonna go2 bed now
Wes (1:53:04 AM): sleep tight! :-*
Capcom Dude (1:53:10 AM): so did u wanna transfer the files 2 me 2morro
Capcom Dude (1:53:13 AM): plz. hun
Capcom Dude (1:53:15 AM): i really
Capcom Dude (1:53:19 AM): like SF a lot
Capcom Dude (1:53:28 AM): wat do u say
Wes (1:53:55 AM): I don’t have the means for it
Capcom Dude (1:54:02 AM): what do u mean
Capcom Dude (1:54:07 AM): can’t u do me a fave
Wes (1:54:11 AM): sorry
Capcom Dude (1:54:14 AM): i only installed AIM cuz of this
Capcom Dude (1:54:24 AM): why not tho
Capcom Dude (1:54:31 AM): i don’t understand ….
Wes (1:55:12 AM): I can’t rip DVDs
Capcom Dude (1:55:13 AM): im willing 2 trade nething in return w/ u if u please
Capcom Dude (1:55:30 AM): ill give u step-by-step instructions
Capcom Dude (1:55:35 AM): and the program
Capcom Dude (1:55:43 AM): u just gotta do the clicking
Wes (1:55:48 AM): my computer is way too slow for that
Wes (1:55:50 AM): sorry
Capcom Dude (1:56:01 AM): can u mail me the DVD then
Capcom Dude (1:56:04 AM): 4 Xmas
Capcom Dude (1:56:12 AM): :—-)
Wes (1:56:19 AM): sorry
Capcom Dude (1:56:26 AM): huh
Capcom Dude (1:56:44 AM): plz. plz. plz. i beg u sugar
Capcom Dude (1:57:00 AM): ill do nething
Wes (1:57:02 AM): ebay, sweetie
Capcom Dude (1:57:24 AM): its costing me over $30 tho
Capcom Dude (1:57:39 AM): i hav to pay in CDN $ and S&H is 2 much
Capcom Dude (1:57:54 AM): it won’t take long
Wes (1:57:54 AM):, then
Capcom Dude (1:58:14 AM): ure the meanest grl ive ever seen
Wes (1:59:18 AM): that’s what all the boys say 😉

And for the record, if you really want to subject yourself to “Street Fighter: The Animated Series”, you really can snag it on the cheap on eBay. I actually purchased both this first set and the entire DarkStalkers series for under $20 including shipping, so I’m sure you can find something suitable. Granted, that just might cost you $30+ Canadian, but jeez, each SF set contains 3 DVDs and 13 episodes. If you really want to suffer through the animated exploits of Colonel William F. Guile (and thanks to our reviews you know what you’re getting into), you’ll pay. There are always trade-offs in life. 🙂

-posted by Wes | 5:48 am | Comments (11)
January 9, 2006
Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #70!

Short update today, but hopefully Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #70 will keep you entertained for all of thirty seconds. 😉 Be sure to swing by on Wednesday, however, when we post the year’s first Spectare review! Speaking of those, my recent acquisition of a TV tuner means that you can expect a lot more of those in 2006. There will be “That’s So Raven” reviews. “Girlfriends” reviews. Oprah reviews. Oh you are so totally not ready. And admittedly, neither am I. I’m scared, actually. Please hold me.

Also, remember that in just sixteen more days, Scary-Crayon turns TWO YEARS OLD! I’m not sure what I’ll do to commemorate the birthday of the site, and the two-year anniversary doesn’t seem quite as monumental as the one-year, but I’ll come up with something. Stay tuned. 😉

-posted by Wes | 1:13 am | Comments (1)
January 5, 2006
Hot Flash ‘n’ Haiku combos in ’06!

Like the post title says, here’s the first Hot Flash and Haiku combo of the new year: Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #71 and A Crayon Haiku #42. It’s a curious mix between crude and charming, despicable and darling, tasteless and too-cute-for-words. Ah, contradictions and inconsistencies, how we love thee! Also, you might have noticed that we’ve skipped Hot Flash #70. All in due time, friends! All in due time. And it’s time for this entry to end, so we will see you later! Ja.

-posted by Wes | 2:53 am | Comments (12)
January 2, 2006
Not your 80s Strawberry Shortcake.

Greetings, Crayon fans! Hope you had a great time ringing in the new year and are ready to embark upon another fascinating journey of discovery in blah blah blah yeah whatever, dude. To make the first Monday of the new year a little less sour (or, as you’ll see, perhaps not), however, we’ve got two new pieces for you. First, there’s Strawberry Shortcake…?, which details a retro-inspired dessert created in the final hours of 2005, and then, bringing the haikus into the new year, is A Crayon Haiku #41. Enjoy! And if you were too busy getting wasted and puking all over the place to stop by during the holiday weekend, don’t forget to check out the previous update as well. Until next time!

-posted by Wes | 4:25 am | Comments (4)
December 30, 2005
HO HO HORRIBLE holiday stuff.

Hey, everyone — hope your first set o’ winter holidays went well and that you’re gearing up for a fantastic New Year’s Eve. In the event that, like me, you’ll be sitting alone at your computer (or, like me, happen to be doing so at this very moment), here are three new Scary-Crayon articles to entertain you as 2005 comes to a close. Joy!

First, however, allow me to hop up on my soapbox. I’ll admit that I’m hardly a big Christmas geek, but one of the things that I do enjoy about the holiday season is the television specials. Granted, I haven’t watched much TV this season (or this year, really), but even flipping through the channels and hearing characters say the words “Christmas” and “holiday” and “cheer” and “presents” is kinda neat. I mean, it’s almost like the characters are real and live in the same world I do, and I’m one step closer to existing within TVLand where everything is generally more interesting than whatever the hell is going on in my life at the moment, because when I’m watching TV the only thing happening with me involves my sitting in a chair and watching TV. Yep.

But one of the reasons I don’t watch TV all that much is because most of the time it pisses me the fuck off. In addition to shit like “Oprah” and “Tyra”, you’ve got asinine UPN sitcoms and people speaking gibberish on BET (yoyoyblingblingknowhaddamsayin), and at almost all times, unless I manage to assume control of the remote and switch over to Cartoon Network or SciFi, one of those things is playing in my residence. It’s fucking irritating. Anyway, one day I happened to be in the kitchen while the “All of Us” Christmas episode was playing on UPN. Now, I wasn’t familiar with the show, but I do hate UPN shows. Every “positive” episode or plot thread that I’ve seen in a UPN show manages to take a significant turn for the worse — most notably an episode about the significance of Martin Luther King Jr.’s contribution to society that inexplicably ended with a chick pulling a pistol out of her sock and drawing a chalk outline on the floor to make it look like someone had gotten killed in her residence in order to prevent the sale of her house from going through. What? But given that it was a Christmas episode, I figured it couldn’t be all that bad. Right? WRONG.

'All of Us' is fucking terrible.

So from what I discerned from the episode and a little Internet research, I guess “All of Us” is about a divorced couple with a son who either still live together or still hang out an awful lot — and in this holiday special, the family invited the ex-wife’s ex-convict brother to stay with them for Christmas. Sounds sweet, right, not making assumptions and giving people a chance and all that jazz? Yeah, until he fucking steals all of the Christmas gifts. See, apparently the reason he went to jail was for robbing some other family around the holidays — and in order to make amends, he robbed his own sister, broke into that other family’s home, and left the gifts intended for his sister and her “family” underneath their tree. So the ex-wife and ex-husband track down the ex-con outside these other people’s home and get angry, but when they see the other family’s faces they’re not even mad and everyone is all happy and shit. WHAT?

Okay, first of all, this dude wasn’t retarded, nor was he four years old. He should’ve known the difference between right and wrong, especially after having gone to fucking jail for committing a similar crime. Secondly, WHAT THE FUCK? WHO WROTE THIS SHIT TO BEGIN WITH?!? “Hey, it’s a black show, so I guess we have to find a way to work criminal activity into even the Christmas episode — because you know how those people are! But we have to have a happy ending, so let’s not even have anyone get angry because those people are animals and stealing comes naturally to them. Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!” UPN fucking sucks.

Anyway, on to the articles. Foremost, we’ve got another exclusive SC expose regarding Papa Christmas, entitled Santa Claus is HO HO HORRIBLE. Like, even worse than that “All of Us” episode described above. This article’s even got some intellectual merit (like, even more so than other Scary-Crayon articles), with a summary of the philosophical problem of evil and links to pages with lots of equations and stuff. Goody!

Second, it’s Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #69! I still haven’t seen Peter Jackson’s King Kong remake, but I did come across a gorilla I bought at the dollar store a while back and a bootleg Godzilla that I got in a lot of toys from eBay and figured I might as well do something with them. Simba happened to be nearby, too — and who can tell lions apart? A couple of photographs, a few graphics filters for no special reason, and a few dialogue bubbles later, we had a new Hot Flash for y’all. Enjoy!

And last, but not least, we’ve got A Crayon Haiku #40. I actually was too afraid to click the link, but if you’ve seen it and happen to know what’s on the other side, feel free to leave a comment or drop me an e-mail to let me know. As far as the content of the haiku itself goes, while I’ve never seen furry porn, I imagine that it would be far more interesting than regular porn. As every “normal” porn film I’ve glimpsed has been exceedingly boring and even kinda gross — I’ve never been able to watch a feature-length porno in its entirety because I always say, “Fuck this!” and proceed to do something more exciting — furry porn might be kinda neat, with the fuzzy costumes and the incredibly weird role-playing involved in the activity. So yeah, if you can find my address and have some furry porn lying around, feel free to send me that too. 😉

Alrighty, that’s all for now. Take care, and we’ll see y’all in ’06! 😀

-posted by Wes | 9:26 pm | Comments (1)
December 19, 2005
The Five SCARIEST 39¢ Christmas Cards!

Scary-Crayon keeps the holiday pieces rolling in with The Five SCARIEST 39¢ Christmas Cards! There’s also an honorable mention and, as is customary with these articles, the special Scary-Crayon card. Joy! Oh, and note that the elves here at SC don’t have pointed ears (hell, they didn’t even have ears in their first appearance). That’s cause we like to fly in the face of convention, baby.

So in addition to the main attraction, we’ve also got A Crayon Haiku #39 (ANOTHER one? Joy!) and Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #68, the latter of which features none other than KING KONG! For those of you wondering how the result in that alternate ending came about, when I drew the piece I had been thinking that, due to Kong’s massive size, penetration by the giant ape (you know, because Jackson’s remake is apparently a love story) would result in all of Ann Darrow’s internal organs being forced upward and out of her mouth — which is why she isn’t wearing a dress and why her legs are intact. (Viewers who are particularly attentive to detail might note the curled toes of the left foot.) Of course, Kong would likely be so large that Ann would be ripped apart upon being entered, to say nothing of what would happen to her during the actual rodeo show, but creative liberties can be taken. For those who don’t want to imagine giant ape on girl beastiality, though, the image still works if we imagine that Kong accidentally crushed poor Annie. We just have to assume that she has very resilient legs.

All for now, then — hopefully I’ll be back with yet ANOTHER holiday piece before December 25th. If not, it’ll be late, but I promise you SANTA before ’05 is out! Seeya then. 🙂

-posted by Wes | 2:06 pm | Comments (6)
December 16, 2005
The Donatello Christmas Tradition!

So, the holiday season is upon us — and despite Scary-Crayon’s rather dark inclinations the whole year ’round, we do try to post a few festive pieces for the benefit of our readers. For example, today’s article, The Donatello Christmas Tradition, touches on something we like to do during the holiday season. Now, it’s not much, and I certainly don’t post it in order to flout my charitable nature (hah!), but ’tis the season for sharing — and that’s basically the function of the piece. That is, to share something that’s important to me with the lot of y’all. Don’t you feel special? 🙂

Also, A Crayon Haiku #38 is up! Everybody say haaaaiiii-ku! Alrighty then.

And one final note — despite having been posted roughly five months ago, discussion continues over my snarling invective against the Harry Potter series, so if the issue at all interests you, feel free to jump in! I’ve definitely got some things I’d like to contribute, but I do want to have more holiday content here for you before December 25th rolls around. 🙂

Happy holidays, minna-san. See you next time!

-posted by Wes | 9:23 am | Comments (5)
December 12, 2005
Another Haiku ‘n’ Hot Flash combo!

Oh snap, another haiku? ANOTHER HAIKU! A Crayon Haiku #37, to be precise. Let’s delight in the greatness of haikus!

I heart teh haikus
worship their divine shadow
haikus are teh secks

This is what happens when you don’t sleep, children. So, if you’re wondering about how the subject of today’s haiku tasted, the answer is… not bad. Like some of our previous Random Lunches, this is one of those weird instancess in which the ingredients refuse to combine to produce a unique taste — so if you like whipped cream and stuffing individually, you’ll like them together, because eating them together somehow manages to be tantamount to eating them individually. I don’t understand how it works, but it does. Okay?

And then we’ve got Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #67, which (if I remember correctly) is the first time we’ve seen Shredder on the site since his drunken defeat in last year’s Turtle Spew adventure. And in the last panel, we see Krang sporting the body he was about to acquire at the end of Dusty Plastic Hell #4! OMG! Does this mean that we’ll see the official continuation of that adventure soon?!?!? Er… we’ll see. 😉

For those of you who don’t get the comic, btw, the downed figure with Krang in the final panel is the Feudal Shredder figure, which came with the helmet and staff that the Armorized Shredder is currently sporting — hence the “stealing from himself” joke. It really does look better on the Armorized Shredder, though, not to mention that I can’t put it on Feudal Shredder without worrying that I’ll pull his head off when I try to remove it.

Catch y’all next time. 😉

-posted by Wes | 6:58 am | Comments (1)
December 10, 2005
A Crayon Haiku #36!

You know, just about every time I post A Crayon Haiku episodes these days I write something along the lines of, “The classic Scary-Crayon featurette returns from its hiatus with A Crayon Haiku #Something!!!” Then I promise that there will be more Crayon Haikus. Then Hot Flashes totally take over the site and one or two months pass before I post another haiku. EXCEPT FOR LAST TIME — because just three days after A Crayon Haiku #35 we have A Crayon Haiku #36 in this short Saturday update. Hurrah! And we’ll see if I make good on it, but I’m once again going to promise more haikus in the near future. Maybe that doesn’t mean much to y’all — I mean they are kinda short updates, and even my occasional blog entries that don’t accompany main page updates are more substantive, but seeing as how A Crayon Haiku was with us when the site launched I’ve kinda got a soft spot for the featurette.

A Crayon Haiku
the oldest site featurette
short, yes, but still fun

So, the ad that appears in today’s haiku is an actual e-mail that I got (the highlighting of the text, of course, was my addition). 1520 minutes is equal to 25.33 hours is equal to 1.06 days, friends. Shit, no wonder I could never finish any of those paid surveys. Insane.

See y’all next time! More haikus to come! (We hope!)

-posted by Wes | 9:41 am | Comments (1)
December 8, 2005
Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #66!

The spam-based comics return to Scary-Crayon in Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #66! These ones are a little different, though — instead of featuring a unique image, these feature unique commentary. Less visually interesting, sure, but not all spam sends me on a trip to freaky daydream land! So there you have it. And expect more spam comics (of both styles) in the future — given that I’m currently receiving in the neighborhood of 200 spam e-mails a day, it’s almost certain that I’ll have virtually unlimited Hot Flash fodder for quite some time.

-posted by Wes | 2:07 am | Comments (0)
December 7, 2005
Harry Potter and Philosophy…?

You know what? If you read today’s book review in its entirety, GOOD FOR YOU. I honestly hadn’t planned on it being so long, but that’s what happens when I attempt to write an article at 4 AM while half-asleep! And apologies for the very general comments and analogies used in the course of the review. Naturally, I prefer to use actual quotes from the books to illustrate my points, but seeing as how I had to return this one to the library and didn’t have it in my possession when I wrote it up I kinda had to improvise. Ah well — chalk up any flaws in the review to my obvious attempt to reflect the particular problems of the book itself. 😉

Speaking of long, what the hell is up with these menus on the Harry Potter DVDs? I’m sure there are people out there who love the animated menus and transitions after one makes selections, but I could do without waiting through a minute of film clips every time I want to return to the main menu! Glad I only paid $5.88 apiece for these things.

And we’ve also got another Crayon Haiku! Hurrah!

-posted by Wes | 7:43 am | Comments (4)
December 2, 2005
Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #65!

And we send you into the weekend with Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #65, another perverted little comic utilizing TMNT screencaps — this time from the new show. By the way, is it me, or is April one of the most unprofessionally dressed lab assistants in the history of lab assistants?

Lookin' sweet, Miss O'Neil!

I mean seriously. She’s got the lab coat, but what’s up with the exposed midriff? I’d always wondered how she’d gotten such an apparently good job in the new series (I mean, she’s working with the Baxter Stockman!) while being so young and apparently having very few connections, given that she’s forced to stay with Casey Jones and a bunch of mutant turtles when her home is burned, but I suppose the answer has been staring me in the face the whole time. Kinda reminds me of a poem I once wrote.

And in case you missed yesterday’s updates, don’t forget to check out The Experimental Oyster Loaf 2 and our Hot Flash tribute to Pat Morita! Regarding our winged, waxing friend, I’ve always thought that angels should have blue skin — but maybe that shows the extent to which X-Men comics have influenced my thinking over the years.

-posted by Wes | 1:14 am | Comments (0)
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