''Blogs are not frogs.''
April 1, 2006

Sorry about the lack of articles as of late — I’ve been hard at work on this special Disney-Crayon layout. Hope y’all got a kick out of it! I’m thinking I’ll leave it up for the duration of the weekend and then maybe archive it as an article or something. I dunno. Hoping to have a new article up on Monday, too. Fingers crossed.

WELCOME TO APRIL, FOOLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😉

-posted by Wes | 3:29 am | Comments (6)
March 23, 2006
At long last, a new Hot Flash!

But first, there’s A Crayon Haiku #49, in which we briefly pay tribute to Rogue! I didn’t harp on this point about the films (’cause I could seriously go on forever, or at least quite a while), but another problem with them is that although she may be a decent actress, Anna Paquin is simply nowhere near hot or charismatic enough to play Rogue. It’s even worse than the Kirsten Dunst as MJ thing with the Spider-Man movies, because at least with them Dunst isn’t a distraction in the role. Every time Paquin walks onto the screen and they address her as “Rogue”, however, I want to shout, “Oh, get the hell out of here.” Of course, that may be because the Spider-Man films are far superior movies and I’m less inclined to shout at everything I see. Man, I hate those X-Men flicks.

And yes, it’s been over a month, but there’s new content in the Dusty Plastic HELL department with the 79th Hot Flash! This one came to mind as a result from a comment by Tetsu Deinonychus regarding the pitiful X3 incarnation of Juggernaut. Looks to the contrary, it’s probably one of the more involved comics we’ve done, given that it involved extensive modification to a Zangief Pocket Fighter sprite (hell if I was going to do it in multiple poses, though) and includes characters from several different games. But why the Juggernaut and Dazzler pairing, you ask? I admit to being something of a Juggy and Dazz shipper, primarily because of The Uncanny X-Men #217-218. I’ll probably end up reviewing them one day, but suffice it to say that Juggernaut pursues Dazzler across a snowy expanse because he is a fan of her music and she ends up exhausting herself to the point of collapse trying to fight him when all he wants to do is give her a big hug or get her autograph or something. It’s hilarious. Oh, and in case you’re wondering, the background is from Final Fight 3.

Crayon Trivia Fun Fact: The Juggernaut was the subject of the very first Crayon Haiku.

Okay, that’s all for now — ja ne, minna-san!

-posted by Wes | 4:59 am | Comments (5)
March 18, 2006
A Crayon Haiku #48!

So we’ve taken a bit of a break on the Hot Flashes, but the Crayon Haikus are still coming on strong! Taking its cue from today’s episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, A Crayon Haiku #48 examines the not so subtle differences between the original Mirage comic book version of Renet and her animated counterpart. What happened? Maybe 4Kids didn’t think today’s youngsters could handle Renet in her original, uh, glory. Or maybe she was lactating back then.

-posted by Wes | 4:13 pm | Comments (4)
March 16, 2006
X3 is going to be terrible.

Or at least that’s my assessment after watching the trailer. I suppose that a good film was too much to expect after two depressingly less than spectacular live action outings, but with this one I swear that Hollywood is just trying to figure out how shitty an “epic” action movie (assuming X3 has a longer runtime than its predecessor) has to be before people call it what it is. I think there’s a certain length after which moviegoers will automatically conclude that a movie is good no matter what — because you know, while I can recall quite a few reviewers saying that a movie was too long, I can’t recall any recent movies that exceeded the two-hour mark that people didn’t like. Shit, people freely admitted that Jackson’s King Kong was waaay too long and still loved it. It’s possible that I’m wrong on this, though, so feel free to note some long movies that didn’t fare too well among the critics or at the box office.

Impressions of the trailer and review are also welcome. Ja!

-posted by Wes | 1:30 am | Comments (15)
March 12, 2006
The Legendary Glazed Toroid Fishstick Sandwich

Once again, culinary insanity returns to Scary-Crayon with the birth of The Legendary Glazed Toroid Fishstick Sandwich, the first in a series of food articles designed to find new applications for aging overbaked donuts. Despite the fearsome and greasy appearance of the sandwich, it’s definitely among the better edible creations that I’ve authored to date — so I seriously recommend making your own if you’ve got the ingredients and the courage to do so. Of course, I always say that. 😉

Until next time, minna-san!

-posted by Wes | 3:03 pm | Comments (6)
March 7, 2006
The Amazing Spider-Man!!!

Following last month’s lengthy review of X-Men II: The Fall of the Mutants, Scary-Crayon turns to another of Paragon Software’s comic-themed PC titles — The Amazing Spider-Man. Unlike the former game, however, I can’t entirely recommend this one, as in addition to being a poor and quite creepy representation of Spidey, the game’s bloody impossible. You may have better luck than I did, but still — this is not a game to be taken lightly, if it is, in fact, a game to be taken at all. As before, should you wish to play, DOSBox is probably your best bet. Anyway, enjoy the review! After a few more, I’m planning a slight layout adjustment and the addition of a games section to the site. No telling exactly when that’ll happen, mind you, but I just thought I’d mention it. ;P

-posted by Wes | 8:32 pm | Comments (12)
March 3, 2006
A Crayon Haiku #47!

As noted in A Crayon Haiku #47, some pretty questionable stuff happens on “Justice League Unlimited”. And to think, children are watching this show! By the way, did anyone catch the episode when Grodd tried to turn everyone on Earth into an ape? What the fuck was that supposed to accomplish? They still retained their intelligence — and, in the cases of the superheroes, their powers — so I kinda don’t get it, especially given that Grodd has consistently been shown to prefer human women to gorilla gals. I mean, Giganta started out as a bleeding gorilla, and he altered her genetic structure to make her look like a natural (human) woman! And I thank him for that, because Giganta is seriously hot.


-posted by Wes | 8:55 pm | Comments (2)
February 28, 2006
That’s So Racist!

So here’s the first of those “That’s So Raven” articles I promised — a rather serious analysis of “True Colors”, the Black History Month episode. Like I say before posting all of these articles, while this is Scary-Crayon and my primary intent with the site is to entertain you folks, I do hope that occasionally my writings provide some food for thought and/or encourage you to consider things from another perspective. So read, comment, let me know what you think, etc., whether it’s general remarks about the show or comments concerning today’s deeper subject matter.

By the way, regarding the last such piece on Scary-Crayon, my Wikipedia research alerted me to the apparent fact that George Washington Carver was not the inventor of peanut butter. I find this incredibly interesting, seeing as how I’m almost certain that I was taught this information during one of the Black History Month units in elementary school. Now I’m not suggesting that teachers intentionally misinformed us in order to bolster the accomplishments of so-called “African-Americans”, but the apparent thoroughness of the curriculum research (that is, the lack of it) leads me to wonder about the sincerity of these attempts to enlighten students about “black history,” especially since I’ve never heard a compelling reason for studying it (as opposed to addressing these individuals in the context of their respective accomplishments).

Anyway, ponder and enjoy! Next time we’ll have lighter fare for you. 🙂

-posted by Wes | 2:51 am | Comments (102)
February 25, 2006
X-Men II: The Fall of the Mutants!

It’s been a while since we had a game review, kiddies, so here it is — a lengthy examination of X-Men II: The Fall of the Mutants. In addition to an introduction that touches on the similarities and differences between this early X-Men game and the more recent X-Men Legends II: Rise of Apocalypse and a ton of screencaps, there’s also a strategy guide of sorts to help out readers who are eager to play the game for themselves! And I totally recommend doing so. As noted in the review, you can get it from Home of the Underdogs, a gaming site with tons of abandonware games available for download. If you’re running a newer computer, you’ll have to use VDMSound or DOSBox (apparently folks prefer the former, though I’ve had far more success running old games with DOSBox). Both are commandline programs, though, so while VDMS integrates itself into the Windows shell (I can’t speak for other OSes!), you’ll probably want to use a frontend like D-Fend for DOSBox. Anyway, enjoy the review, and good luck getting the game up and running! And, um, excelsior!

-posted by Wes | 12:42 am | Comments (13)
February 21, 2006
Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #78!

He made another funny! 😆

-posted by Wes | 4:00 am | Comments (3)
February 16, 2006
It’s Hot Flash ‘n’ Haiku time!

Hiya! We’ve got two short pieces for you this evening: A Crayon Haiku #46 and Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #76. I don’t have a whole lot else to add, but goodness, after seeing what I saw before snapping the haiku shot I really wonder what the hell is wrong with people. Or is my sense of what looks good totally off base? You tell me…

-posted by Wes | 6:50 pm | Comments (4)
February 13, 2006
Happy Valentine’s Day!!!

Also starring American Godzilla, Cubone, and a bottle of sake!

Yes, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day — and whether you’re reveling in your loving relationship or are sadly alone (*hugs*), Scary-Crayon’s here to bring you a little love with two new articles! While our brief assessment of Triton’s Chocolate Dipped Banana Bits may provide a bit of amusement and a potential gift recommendation for readers who happen to be dating gorillas, our lengthy review of not one, not two, but three varieties of LifeStyles Flavored Condoms is really the main attraction, if only because I wear bunny ears throughout the entire article for some inexplicable reason. Could the drunkenness have anything to do with it? Possibly.

I type very well when I am drunk. Anyway, happy Valentine’s Day!

P.S. Here’s another clip to try viewing at home. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

-posted by Wes | 6:04 am | Comments (9)
February 10, 2006
Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #77!

You know, I actually had to leave my room and go outside to shoot the last panel of Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #77. Like, where it’s cold and stuff. I HOPE YOU APPRECIATE IT! I’m also planning to get some special V-Day pieces up in the next couple of days, but I guess this comic’s kinda relevant to the theme of the day as well. Consider it a preview, then.

-posted by Wes | 7:44 am | Comments (2)
February 7, 2006
Morrigan’s Milkshake

''My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard''
''And they're all like, 'It's better than yours'''

Warm it up
La la la la la

-posted by Wes | 8:05 pm | Comments (0)
February 6, 2006
Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #75!

Seeing as how a new article went up yesterday afternoon (be sure to read that if you haven’t already), I’d intended to post Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #75 tomorrow, but I figured what the hell. What the hell, indeed, because that’s exactly what I said when I heard they were filming a movie about gay cowboys. A movie about gay cowboys! And not only that, but people are raving about it. Raving about it in a country that will fight tooth and nail to prevent gay couples from receiving conjugal rights and would probably outlaw homosexuality if the courts would allow it. Amazing.

For my part, I don’t want to see a movie about gay cowboys. This is not a serious premise. This is a “South Park” joke taken to the extreme (sans pudding). I remember a while back, around the time Titanic‘s popularity was soaring, a comedian did a bit about how taking any historical event or tragedy and turning it into a love story was a surefire way of making a box office smash — and sure enough, several films of that period employed just that technique and did surprisingly well. Nowadays, however, it seems that all you need to do is take some sort of rugged historical occupation and make the characters gay. I want to see a movie about gay samurai. Gay pirates. Gay cavemen. A silent film about gay cavemen.

I’m seriously going to write that last one.

-posted by Wes | 1:33 pm | Comments (3)
February 5, 2006
Recent Commercials I Don’t Like Very Much.

Sorry about the lack of updates last week, but I’m back this Superbowl Sunday with another piece that’s somewhat appropriate, given one of the major draws of the game for non-football fans. The title of the latest article pretty much says it all, though I think in the course of writing it I developed even more contempt for these advertising spots than I already had.

God, they’re awful. Awful, I tell you.

-posted by Wes | 4:56 pm | Comments (9)
February 1, 2006
A Crayon Haiku #45!

Well, it’s been kinda slow since last week’s celebratory festivities (personally, I blame the stale cereal), but here’s A Crayon Haiku #45 to assure y’all that I’m not dead over here. I am, however, buried in spam, as this is really freaking unbelievable. By the way, the haiku makes reference to this film, which despite having purchased multiple copies I have never seen to conclusion because every copy invariably cops out on me at some point during the movie. I like the blue-haired android girl, though.

More substantial content to come!

-posted by Wes | 3:38 pm | Comments (1)
January 25, 2006
The Stale Cereal Wars!

Well, I promised that I’d try to get this final anniversary piece up before midnight, and here we are — with minutes to spare, Scary-Crayon presents The Stale Cereal Wars, a detailed commentary that reaches back to the days before the site was even created and discusses three year-old (and then some) cereals in the present day. Make sure to keep reading, because there’s a special guest appearance at the end of the piece! Or you could just scroll down, but then you’d miss the photos of me cringing at the godawful taste of these cereals. Ugh.

What have we got in store for Scary-Crayon’s third year? STAY TUNED!!!

-posted by Wes | 11:50 pm | Comments (4)
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