You know, just about every time I post A Crayon Haiku episodes these days I write something along the lines of, “The classic Scary-Crayon featurette returns from its hiatus with A Crayon Haiku #Something!!!” Then I promise that there will be more Crayon Haikus. Then Hot Flashes totally take over the site and one or two months pass before I post another haiku. EXCEPT FOR LAST TIME — because just three days after A Crayon Haiku #35 we have A Crayon Haiku #36 in this short Saturday update. Hurrah! And we’ll see if I make good on it, but I’m once again going to promise more haikus in the near future. Maybe that doesn’t mean much to y’all — I mean they are kinda short updates, and even my occasional blog entries that don’t accompany main page updates are more substantive, but seeing as how A Crayon Haiku was with us when the site launched I’ve kinda got a soft spot for the featurette.

A Crayon Haiku
the oldest site featurette
short, yes, but still fun

So, the ad that appears in today’s haiku is an actual e-mail that I got (the highlighting of the text, of course, was my addition). 1520 minutes is equal to 25.33 hours is equal to 1.06 days, friends. Shit, no wonder I could never finish any of those paid surveys. Insane.

See y’all next time! More haikus to come! (We hope!)

The spam-based comics return to Scary-Crayon in Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #66! These ones are a little different, though — instead of featuring a unique image, these feature unique commentary. Less visually interesting, sure, but not all spam sends me on a trip to freaky daydream land! So there you have it. And expect more spam comics (of both styles) in the future — given that I’m currently receiving in the neighborhood of 200 spam e-mails a day, it’s almost certain that I’ll have virtually unlimited Hot Flash fodder for quite some time.

You know what? If you read today’s book review in its entirety, GOOD FOR YOU. I honestly hadn’t planned on it being so long, but that’s what happens when I attempt to write an article at 4 AM while half-asleep! And apologies for the very general comments and analogies used in the course of the review. Naturally, I prefer to use actual quotes from the books to illustrate my points, but seeing as how I had to return this one to the library and didn’t have it in my possession when I wrote it up I kinda had to improvise. Ah well — chalk up any flaws in the review to my obvious attempt to reflect the particular problems of the book itself. 😉

Speaking of long, what the hell is up with these menus on the Harry Potter DVDs? I’m sure there are people out there who love the animated menus and transitions after one makes selections, but I could do without waiting through a minute of film clips every time I want to return to the main menu! Glad I only paid $5.88 apiece for these things.

And we’ve also got another Crayon Haiku! Hurrah!

And we send you into the weekend with Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #65, another perverted little comic utilizing TMNT screencaps — this time from the new show. By the way, is it me, or is April one of the most unprofessionally dressed lab assistants in the history of lab assistants?

I mean seriously. She’s got the lab coat, but what’s up with the exposed midriff? I’d always wondered how she’d gotten such an apparently good job in the new series (I mean, she’s working with the Baxter Stockman!) while being so young and apparently having very few connections, given that she’s forced to stay with Casey Jones and a bunch of mutant turtles when her home is burned, but I suppose the answer has been staring me in the face the whole time. Kinda reminds me of a poem I once wrote.

And in case you missed yesterday’s updates, don’t forget to check out The Experimental Oyster Loaf 2 and our Hot Flash tribute to Pat Morita! Regarding our winged, waxing friend, I’ve always thought that angels should have blue skin — but maybe that shows the extent to which X-Men comics have influenced my thinking over the years.

Never one to be satisfied with our previous forays into the world of culinary intrigue, Scary-Crayon once again boldly attempts to discover the recipe of the fabled oyster loaf in The Experimental Oyster Loaf 2! Additionally, if you’ve forgotten about the first experiment, you can read about that here — and, as noted at the conclusion of today’s article, the experiments shall continue. SO STAY TUNED!

Also, today SC honors beloved actor Pat Morita with a special edition Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash. R.I.P. Miyagi-san — you were pretty okay.

Welcome back to Scary-Crayon, y’all! How ya been? Sure glad t’see ya again! Hope yer glad t’be back! Feel free t’click some Google ads or make donations or buy some shirts while yer here. 😉

Anyway, today’s Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash episode touches on one of the weirder incidents that took place following the release of the Xbox 360. At first I heard it and thought, “What crazy fuckers…!” but now, having seen Xboxes going for upwards of $2000 on eBay, I’m kinda wishing I’d thought of it. $1600 profit per system ain’t bad at all, and that dude stole two! And I’d like to know more about the robber — because you’ve gotta be at least marginally interesting to steal Xboxes at gunpoint. Hell, there should be a game about him (or her! The article doesn’t sex the thief): True Crime: Hardcore Gamers. I’d play it.

Oh, and the comic also stars ST@N (Stan) of Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #48 fame. Yeah, that was some twisted stuff.

…with Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #63. Spam is pretty weird stuff, isn’t it? In one message they’ll be trying to sell you products for the purposes of penis enlargement; in the next they’ll be trying to sell you steaks. Given that all of these messages collect in the spam folder — and that, given the nature of spam, the senders are generally faceless and/or unimportant — it’s pretty easy to think of the e-mails as being related and coming from the same sender, which can make for some pretty horrific and disgusting images. Hence the look on my face in today’s comic.

Anyway, that’s the end of The Week of Hot Flashes — hope you’ve enjoyed it! There will, of course, be more Hot Flashes in the future; they just won’t be part of The Week of Hot Flashes (or at least not the FIRST one, as it’s entirely possible that I’ll decide to have another one at some point). Alrighty then. Hope y’all had a happy Thanksgiving, and thanks for reading Scary-Crayon! Ja.

Of course, Thanksgiving isn’t very happy for me, as you’ll read — and hear! — in “A Thanksgiving Poem”, today’s fittingly titled special edition of Crayon Poetry Corner. Though I guess it’s not entirely true, seeing as how if you’re one of the five people who actually reads the blog you probably appreciate whatever “wit” I have to offer at least a little bit. Which doesn’t really help improve my situation, but thanks for reading and stuff. Hope you enjoy Scary-Crayon! Yep.

Also, keeping The Week of Hot Flashes rolling along, we’ve got not one but TWO new comics for you today — Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #62 and a special edition Thanksgiving Hot Flash. Both are based on spam, seeing as how I get like 100+ spam e-mails a day. It’s sick.

Well, that’s all I’ve got for this holiday update. Once again, Happy Thanksgiving! Be good to yourselves… and each other. And try some tofurky while you’re at it. Seriously.

And our holiday week of spam-based Hot Flashes continues with Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #61! Now you’re playing with power.

And there WILL be another Hot Flash tomorrow, but if you’re too busy celebrating with friends and family and stuff to swing by, HAPPY THANKSGIVING in advance! The comic(s) will be here for you when you get back from your fun-filled vacation. 😛

And while that is indeed true with Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #60, today’s update also boasts something a little more substantial: A Random Lunch #9! Thrill to the wacky, cheesy, grahammy adventures of Kain and Wild Boar Alien in another instance of one of Scary-Crayon’s most beloved recurring themes. And regarding the Hot Flash, yes, I know what the spam message really meant — but that was a rather odd way of putting it, don’t you think?

Hey, speaking of dinosaurs fighting giant more or less humanoid creatures, have you seen the new King Kong toys? The T-Rex figure — or V-Rex, as they’re calling it, which I think is hella stupid — has that weird collapsing action “feature”. A few of the figures in the new TMNT line have it also. And you know what? I hate it and would like to meet the moron that came up with it just so I can slap that person. Action figures ALREADY have a built-in collapsing feature, people — it’s called being vulnerable to gravity and falling the fuck over. There’s no need for a character to collapse into a mess of limbs connected by string, like that’s what really happens when somebody loses a fight anyway. It might make sense if this were a feature on, say, one of the Kill Bill enemy action figures, but anywhere else? DUMB.

The Week of Hot Flashes continues tomorrow with Hot Flash #61!

That’s right! I may not have a goddamned thing to be thankful for this holiday season, but hopefully I can give you something to look forward to with a new spam-based Hot Flash this Monday through Friday. And kicking things off, it’s Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #59! Note that I could also have drawn this with male deer, but my pockets would’ve had to have been f’n huge to pull that one off.

Aaaand we’ll be back tomorrow with a new Hot Flash and another article! Hint: It stars a vampire and an alien. Excited? Maybe you shouldn’t be…

And after last time’s squeaky clean update, it’s time to get nasty with Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #58! Following the trend of slapping various screencaps with suggestive captions and word bubbles, today’s kinky comic follows Carnage after his escape from Ravencroft. For the curious, these screencaps are from Maximum Carnage for the SNES, based on the 14-part Spider-Man crossover from 1993. I was reading comics back then, and while I remember the saga fondly (hey, it had Venom, Demogoblin, and, among favorite characters of mine, Cloak and Dagger), this game sucked then and it sucks now. If you’ve never played it, consider yourself lucky!

Also, you may have noticed that the Google ads (ugh) are up at the bottoms of articles. Sorry for the annoyance, but click them sometime, eh? Every click helps pay for Scary-Crayon’s hosting costs and review material! And stuff.

Aaaand finally, as a special Thanksgiving treat for Scary-Crayon readers, next week is going to be THE WEEK OF HOT FLASHES, with a new spam-based Hot Flash comic every weekday! That’s FIVE new Hot Flashes! Yup. That’ll be in addition to at least one other article — and hopefully two — so make sure to check us out next week! And have a happy holiday and stuff. 🙂

Yes, you read that right — today’s rather uncharacteristic Scary-Crayon piece attempts to discover the nature of clean Christian comedy. Am I the only one who didn’t know this subgenre existed? And what’s with the Christian love for Star Wars? I find it especially interesting given that Jedi has become a competing religion. Oh, and there are no cursewords and some cute jokes in this piece (well, I think they’re cute…), so bring the kiddies! And if somehow one of the performers finds his/her way here, thanks for an intriguing show. Keep up the clean Christian work, I guess!

Yep, Scary-Crayon once again takes part in a multi-site collaboration piece with The 5 Worst Fighting Game Characters! We’ve even got a bonus haiku at the end, so um enjoy and stuff. As noted in the article, we weren’t the only participants, so be sure to check out the four other pieces linked at the end. That’ll do it for this update, then!

By the way, how do y’all feel about Gooooooogle ads? I’m extremely hesitant to put them on the site — that’s how it starts, and you know how I feel about ads… — but I’m thinking they wouldn’t be too bad if I kept them on the sidebar and at the bottom of the articles, next to the donation link. Just wondering. Anyway, ja!

Nowhere near as ambitious as the last Hot Flash of a similar nature — but still hopefully kinda funny — Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #57 is concerned with the whereabouts of everyone’s favorite Channel Six news reporter (and no, I’m not talking about Vernon here). It’s got alternate endings and a larger, bonus image, so be sure to check it out! I think Raph’s got a valid point.

It’s been a really long while since we’ve had one of these, but it’s time once again for another installment of A Random Lunch! This time, Space Hoppin’ Raphael and Donatello face off against Darth Vader and the temptation of the dark side, resulting in probably the most awful tasting Random Lunch yet. Enjoy.

Also, overly attentive readers with extremely good memories (or those inclined to scroll down the list of Foodstuffs pieces) will recall that the last Random Lunch was #8 — and that, therefore, the 9th Random Lunch is MIA. Also, sometime last year, the 6th Random Lunch was also skipped. IS THERE SOME MEANING TO THESE OMISSIONS?!?!? Probably not, but you’re welcome to chalk them up to signs of the coming of SKELEGORE, whose appearance was prophesied way back in Where’s April??? Part 2. At any rate, someday I’ll get those Random Lunches up — along with others that I photographed but hadn’t yet numbered and never got around to posting — so… yeah. Same goes for the conclusion of Krang’s Dusty Plastic HELL saga. Someday…

But probably not next time. See you then, though!

It’s been a while since your old pal Wes has appeared in a comic, but here I am again in Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #56! And while it might seem funny, the actual spam e-mail on which it is based is no laughing matter — but it is plain wrong. Sure, I’ve gotten tons of spam messages with images, and lots of them have contained pretty lewd content, but this was a genuine charity e-mail, as one of the things Mercy Ships does is remove tumors and stuff for people who can’t afford the operations. Great. But don’t send me unsolicited photos of people with five pound tumors on their faces (and goodness don’t click that link unless you’re prepared to be grossed out). It’s one thing to bug me with perverted shit I probably don’t want; it’s another thing entirely to try to guilt trip me into donating money by making me want to vomit. I mean it actually mentions that the thing has a “putrid stench” — fucking disgusting.

Incidentally, I drew up the comic based on the subject line alone, since I didn’t view the e-mail until afterwards, out of curiosity. If I’d looked at it first, I probably would’ve been too busy cleaning spew out of my keyboard to draw the Hot Flash. Ugh, ugh, ugh.

Hi everyone, and welcome to NOVEMBER! Hope you had a happy Halloween and stuff. Anyway, to kick off the new month on Scary-Crayon, we’ve got a couple of new pieces for you: A Crayon Haiku #34 and Crayon Song Parody #2! Rah.

As noted in the haiku, I happened upon those necklaces at Target — in the 50% off $1 bins (making them 50 cents each) — so if you’ve got a Target nearby and want to try for one, it’s worth a shot. Also, the one on the left isn’t technically a Madball. I forget the name of the actual line it’s from — if it was part of one at all — but it’s pretty much a bootleg Madball, making its necklace counterpart a double bootleg. Speaking of Madballs, we once reviewed the Madballs ‘toon Escape From Orb and The Madballs History of the World jokebook, so give those a look if the subject interests you.

And then there’s the second Crayon Song Parody, “April”. In the interests of speed, file size, and minimizing torture, I sped up my singing slightly, which has the effect of making it sound a little better and getting it over with much more quickly. It doesn’t really sound like Michelangelo — I don’t think I’m capable of pulling off a very good Mikey impersonation, let alone while “singing” — but as indicated by the images that accompany the article, one might imagine a dejected Mike belting out the song. Side note: The most gorgeous girl I’ve ever met happened to be named April, so I sort of imagined myself singing the song to her. Granted, she was way too beautiful and perfect to ever think of me as being anything other than beneath her, so I’d never have had to sing a song like this to her, but in the event that she did deign to give me a chance I imagine we would’ve parted for similar reasons. My eyes used to glaze over and my mouth would turn into a squiggly line thingy whenever I ran into her on campus, though. She was absolutely stunning.

Come to think of it, I’ve never met an April who was anything less than remarkably attractive. I wonder if the name predisposed me to liking them, since I’d had a crush on Miss O’Neil since childhood? Aaaand this is getting far too personal, so we’re done. Ja ne, minna-san!